My trip to Florida

These are from emails and journal entries on my trip to Florida for Father's Day:

Friday June 15
I got in alright. The flight was short. Longer was the trip through security (1 hour!) and wait on the tarmac. I spent a lot of time people watching today. Wondering where they were from, where bound, and trying to determine their state of mind by posture, and expression. fun fun.

It's awesome to see my dad again, and this time give him a hug standing up! He's lost a lot of weight, and a lot of muscle mass. He's in physical therapy and has exercises to do at home, and he goes to walk the dog as a warm-up activity. He's in clothes he hasn't worn for 15 years...but being the packrat that he is, he still had them! Can you imagine?

I picked up a copy of the book The Golden Compass, which is being made into a movie for the 2007 christmas season. Good stuff. Riveting. I'm more than halfway done, and I only started it this morning in line for security. It's 1 of 3 books, and I can't wait to read the other 2 as well.

Tomorrow I take the dog to get trimmed and then I go to the beach before it gets hot :) Tough life I lead, I know.

I talked with Mr. Artist last night. I think we'll be able to maintain a sort of tenuous friendship, at least till I get some time and distance. I saw some things in him last night though that made me realize I'm definitely over him. He called me dependable... makes me think of "gullible" heh. Lot of things I did for him were because I cared about him. He was "in the mood" and I just stayed my Pisces Steel self and said it was too bad his girlfriend wasn't there to help him out. AND he asked me for a couple of bucks for gas money for the drive to the airport. I couldn't believe it!! So... I gave him change from my change jar :P

Saturday June 16
I went to the beach. It was nice, wasn't crowded yet, I got to walk a bit. Found some shells and pieces of wood to bring back. Got to greet the ocean with my toes, and play in the sand. At one point I sat down and just watched the waves. I always feel peaceful at the beach in the mornings. I like to watch the birds- the pelicans cruising low over the water to dive bomb for fish, the seagulls running out of reach from the frothy water spilling onto the sand. Today I think I even saw what were two cranes... I'd have to check out a FL birdlife book though. There were lots of holes in the sand and crab tracks. I found the hardest thing for me to do was to just sit and be still. Not think about how much time was left on my parking meter, not think about my parents, or the dog... just to be still.

I finished my book last night. The book itself is Narnia-esque- alternate Earth, girl child of mysterious background with unknown destiny to save us all, etc. Except the humans on this earth all have a daemon, a soul in the shape of an animal that is their companion. Along the way her adventures find her befriending a talking armored polar bear too :P I went to the book store today first thing after the beach and bought the 2nd book in the trilogy- The Subtle Knife. I also looked at some books about reiki and chakras. I may end up getting one or two when I get back. I didn't buy any since I didn't want to carry em through the airport Monday.

When I got home I made myself a nice lunch of tomato, goat cheese w/herbs, avocado w/lemon juice, and corn on the cob. Later that afternoon mom took me to go see Shrek. Almost got us in an accident speeding through the parking lot. man oh man... What is it about parents that make them want to put a nice face on things like it wasn't as serious as it was... is it a holdover from when we're kids and they don't want us to panic?

Tomorrow I'm to go with them to the 11:00 church service. I do it more for them, than for me. Which is more than my brothers do when they stay over. I'm going to wear one of my salwar kameez's, since my mom has always wanted to see the outfit I do henna in.



Sunday June 16
I'm halfway through the 2nd book, and my mom's now halfway through the first. I'll prolly buy the 3rd to make sure I have reading material at the airport tomorrow.

We went to see Ocean's 13 today. Good, predicatable in the way that sequels are. Tonight we'll have a picnic on the patio type thing- chicken, chips, fruit salad, and mom made a chocolate cake for my dad, with layers of choc. pudding, and powdered sugar dusting the top. My brother Glenn and his wife are over as well.

This past relationship-that-never-was with Mr. Artist hehe, it's given me opportunity to think of what I really want, for the right now. I want companionship, friendship, physical/ emotional /spiritual love, though it doesn't have to be an "in-love" all-consuming thing. Someone to smile with. I want someone around that I can help, who can help me, be supportive of each other, if that makes sense. And this may sound silly, but something monogamous, as my last ... psuedo-relationships I've had haven't been. I know it's always risky to open up, but I don't want to miss out on something that might be beneficial, just because I've been timid in the past. I'm not sure what tag or label would go with that.... just some things that I've been meditating on.

My knee's muscles are a lil sore. I don't know if it was walking in the shifting sand, or if I've twisted it the wrong way when I move or what. Maybe it just needs healing time.

Monday June 17
I made it home safe and sound. Although on the ride home there was this arabic speaking family sitting right behind me, and they talked very loud the whole time! And the kid that sat behind me, kept kicking my seat, and flipping his belt buckle so that it made a sharp clank clank sound right behind me. sigh...other than that, it was ok. I was hot and at the end of my patience when I got off the plane.

That morning I'd frolicked in the ocean, I also was actually *sitting* in the sand to where the waves would come up past me, about waist high, digging my feet in the sand. I had sand everywhere by the time I got home to shower at 10. Anyway, I got a little sun from that, which was my intention, but I think my skin felt hotter than it would have normally- hence my lack of patience.

I took Marta in to town, and a friend picked me up from there and brought me home. Also helped me decompress by listening to everything that had happened. YAY for friends!

Love

So this is about Mr. Artist. The guy I've been in love with. I've been scared to tell him because of A) rejection, B) our relationship changing and C)thinking he didn't need this with what he's going through (a divorce) even though he's been separated for quite some time. And yeah, I swore I wouldn't date separated dudes but when we met back in November he just really intrigued me. He doesn't think like most people, he's a artist, a poet. And well, has a nice butt- which never hurts.

In February of this year, I realized with a shock I loved him. I didn't ask for it, didn't expect it, even asked that if it was the will of God/Universe etc to take away that feeling from me. But I knew that at least it meant I could love again. That my heart had healed and without planning it, truly loved.

So I haven't been telling him. I knew he was dating other girls, he knew I was dating other guys. It wasn't until we talk tonight that he tells me he's moving in with this girl when the divorce is final that I break down and he finally gets me to tell him what I've been holding back forever. Lots of crying on the phone (I'm a pisces, I cry a TON- deal with it, fish swim) and what it comes down to is he wishes I'd told him this months ago, rather than choosing to keep it to myself. It was the first really honest conversation we'd had in months.

He comes over, more talking about miscommunications, misdirections, my fear of rejection, the depth of my love for him (the power of which scared me to be honest), how he didn't think I'd take him serious, and how I didn't want to be one of "those girls" that suddenly got clingy and jealous. I wanted him to love me for me, rather than because he loved being in love and didn't have anyone.

I don't think this changes how he feels about the other girl, or his plans. But at least he knows now, even if we can't turn back the wheel of time. And I know now that if I should ever be in love again, to take a chance, and tell the other person. To not miss out.

I regret now, not telling him earlier. Something to consider in the future I guess. Live and learn? damn that sucks sometimes, you know?

Damn, I'm crying again lol. It feels really weird... like my heart's still hurting for what might have been, but a lot lighter that I've told him and am not bearing this load anymore.

Vacation Time

I'm about to make my annual pilgrimage to the middle of America's Heartland. That's right, Bourbon, Missouri- about an hour out from St. Louis. A group of friends from around teh country get together there every summer. We go camping, canoeing, horsebackriding, play cards, play iPods and guitars, and of course, drink.

More importantly though, it's a time to cut loose from the grip of responsibility to jobs, kids, cell phones/pagers, and computers. Sixty of my favorite people in tents, cabins, and RVs for 3 nights 4 days. Hot weather, grilled food, laughter and hugs.

My car is washed, and needs an oil change. I've got my tent, borrowed a sleeping bag, made arrangements for the guinea pigs to be fed while I'm gone. I'll drive it this time, rather than flying. I plan to stop overnight Wednesday in IL, before going on to St. Louis Thursday morning.

I grew up in St. Louis. In North County. I left at 15 when we moved to Florida for my dad's job. I've never been back to the old neighborhood, or my old elementary school. I'm interested in seeing what changes have taken place in the decades since, and what memories come back to me. Perhaps some healing of memories as well. Things that have haunted me from my past can be reduced in size and importance. This is the reason I'm driving this time- well, aside from the fact that I hate packing camping gear and taking it through the airport.

I want no... need this time to get away. School's finally over for me for the year, and recently I've been hearing some things that perturb me. Things I really can't do anything about, but that just irk me, or make me mad.

For instance, I was talking with a parent about how some of the neighborhood families opt to go to a private school, or a more "upper class" elementary school. In her words (and her kids go to my school and love it) these other parents choose to do so because "[my school] is known for having kids from the projects." Yeah, we do have a high proportion of black students. I'd say 2/3rds. What burns me most about this though is that kids are KIDS. How can you say you don't want your child going there, when you don't even know what the school is like from the inside? When you don't see children of all colors and ethnic backgrounds (white, black, hispanic, Indian, Somalian, Ethiopian) all playing together and getting along and learning from each other. How dare you propagate your prejudices on your child when they could have the experience of learning open mindedness? It must be nice to live in your bubble and never have to interact with people in the real world.

The other thing bothering me is when parents want to rant to me about people I work for, or political situations they see at the school between administration and PTA and faculty. Dammit, I WORK THERE. I am not your best friend, I will not nod sympathetically and agree with everything you say. I can't. And some of the very things you rail against, I can actually see a reason for why so and so did this, or kept that hushhush. But that's not what you want. You want to put superlative intellectual spin on what you say and have me applaud your keen insight and wit and say "yes, you're absolutely right". A combination of "I just want to rant" with a "I'm so unique and have a great viewpoint on this so I know you'll agree". Normally I try to avoid these situations and conversations. I just didn't this time. Grrrr.

Is it time to pack the car yet?