update

So it's been a week since I last blogged. Forgive me father for I have... err nm

I went to an arts festival to do henna last weekend. I learned a ton, was exhausted at the end of each day, and made some money. Money that helped pay my next installment for car insurance, and a lil bit of a new canopy I decided to buy. It's hard for me to justify the expense (yes, I got a nice one) but since I'll be selling henna at the artist's market at my school's fall festival, I had an excuse hehe.

I haven't been exercising like I know I should. I think the primary reason for this is I'm not getting to bed early enough... when I don't go to bed till 10 or 11, I don't want to get up at 4:15, 4:30 to go work out. My goal next week is to be in bed early enough each night so that I make 5 days in a row with my workout.

I had a meeting with my coach at the Y. Among other things we talked about was a food plan. I feel a HUUUGE resistance to food plans, probably because I've always failed before. It's like I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I know I need one though. If I don't plan what I will eat, then I'll get ravenous and overeat on costly caloric foods.

Also the topic came up that I didn't feel happy, or successful with my weight loss. I think part of it was seeing the number on the scale after working out a month. It was a 2lb loss. I know intellectually that a food plan would help that increase. Why does it seem like so much work, to plan what I will eat, shop for it, and prepare it?

My henna biz is going great, and I think my preoccupation with that has been an easy if coincidental excuse for not thinking about my body. Like all my thought energy is going to henna, not to body.

Talked to my mom last night about my dad. Basically the doctors aren't 100% sure what's wrong. The main doc thinks that radiation "bruised" his liver, and that's where the severe pain is coming from. They also think he has some pneumonia and have him on antibiotic for it. He may be out tomorrow morning. I know he wants to be home. This is hardest of all on mom, who sees the toll it's taking on her formerly strong husband. She broke down on the phone last night, telling me he's not going to survive this, and she just wanted me to be prepared. I wish I could have reached through the phone to hug her.

.....

Dad's in the hospital again :(

Patience

I often find the hardest thing to do is have patience with myself. Usually this means patience when I'm sick and don't "get well quick enough" to suit my needs. It's also though, patience with my body, and where I think I should be at with my exercise, or weight, or general well being.

When I first started exercising, my goal was to walk 5 days for one week. Then again for another week, then for 2 more weeks to make it a month. That 4th week though, I got sick and didn't walk.

I wanted to start strength training after my first month of walking. This would be, just after I met with my personal coach at the Y. For reasons I don't remember now, I had to reschedule that meeting. I finally got to meet with her earlier in the month. I am totally delighted at the routine she's set up for me, alternating upper and lower body workouts for alternating days of the week.

Before the meeting with my coach happened, I hurt my back somehow. Chiropractor says it's a pinched sciatic nerve, possibly from sitting too long in one position. Massage therapist thinks I overstrained my back muscles when I was painting my studio office, muscles that don't normally get used. And because I didn't care for them properly after, the rebelled on me to create these tight spots in sections that are apparently related despite being in different areas (upper v lower back). I don't know. All I know is, I still have some lower back pain when I sit for too long. Anyhow, my chirpractor thinks its best to hold off on any more strength training until I've given my back more time to recover.

So, it's easy for me to feel frustrated at my body. I'd be pretty foolish to yell at it "Hurry up and get better darnit!!! You're slowing me down!" but that's the equivalent feeling of frustration I have. Instead I guess I should be treating it like a loved one with a cold, tucking it in, making sure it keeps warm, gets enough rest, eats to nourish itself, and give it some love and pampering. It's the only body I've got.

And yeah, I didn't go walking today. I feel bad about that. I still have sneezing fits, and coughing. I got up when the alarm went off, went to the bathroom, and immediately just wanted to go back to bed. So I did. It felt like I was using the cold as an excuse to go back to bed. Where is the logic in that?

Alright, time to get ready for work. Have a great day y'all.

bleh

I didn't want to get up this morning. In fact, I didn't register hearing the alarm until it was in it's loud frenetic panic mode. I feel like I'm fighting a cold. Stuffy head/drippy nose, sore throat, clogged ears. (Thanks Dallas!) :P

I did get up though, and went to the Y. And I'm glad I did. I don't feel thrilled or oooh ahhh right now of the blessing of working out. I feel sore in my back, and tired in my bones.

I went to the chirpractor yesterday. Almost didn't. Thought maybe, since it's not hurting right now, I don't have to. But, I remembered the way it hurt at work and went anyway. Good thing I did. He wants me to come 3 days this week, 3 the next, then 2 then 2, then once a month.

I ate badly last night. Dinner wasn't dinner, it was tortilla chips and salsa and homemade guac. I went to sleep at 730, woke up after 10pm, watched some legal show, then went back to bed around 11.

Wheeeee

Yesterday I met with my coach at the Y for the first time. Three years ago, I had met with a guy, who wanted me in the strength room doing all the weights everyday. I knew this was idiotic as you're supposed to have a day of rest for the muscles before your next session. I argued with him. Suffice to say, I found out he's no longer working there, and my coach yesterday was delightful!

So added in to my regular walking 30 min a day 5 days a week, is now some strength training. On Mon, Wed, and Fri I do upper body work (since I get a lil lower body by walking anway) and the days inbetween I work on lower body. Today was my first day of the new routine.

This is what I do:
Leg Press at 10lbs for 8-12 reps (this is hard!!!)
Hip Abduction Outer at 30lbs for 8-12 reps
Hip Abduction Inner at 30lbs for 8-12 reps
Glute, each side at 20lbs for 8-12 reps
Ab crunches, 8-12 reps

And that was it! I came away this morning feeling like it was easy (except for leg press haha) But I know my main concern right now is to establish the habit, just like I did with the walking. On weekends, I'm to do stretching exercises, or try a beginning yoga class.

I did weigh myself, and found I've lost 2lbs. I can make excuses, that I'm on my period, I ate a lot of salty food (and broke my alcohol fast) while in Dallas, but I haven't made my weight # the prime goal, because too often I find myself berating myself for lack of success. This leads to bad moods, overeating, spiral, etc.

I do know I need to work on eating habits. But here's my quandry. I don't want to be a slave to eating. Whether good or bad. How do I find a balance of feeling like.... an issue with eating doesn't exist? I don't want to be always thinking about it.

Ok, next subject. I spent the weekend in Dallas, TX with friends. Had a GREAT time. We went to a *cold* renaissance fair, and I did not dress in my garb. It's a summer outfit, and 30 degree weather with snowflakes falling isn't summer. Heck, it isn't even Spring! I spent way too much money on renfair goodies- anklet jinglies, Scottish Eggs (yum!), and alcohol. Even paid toooo much for a celtic henna design on my palm. Mostly because I wanted to see how he'd do the knotwork freehand.

At work we're trying to finish all the GKAP testing before Friday's deadline. My class yesterday also visited a first grade room to get a preview of next year. We decided to become "First-Grade-In-Training" rather than just Kindergarten. We put away the block center, and the kids helped me roll up the carpet. Later today we'll assign "desks" (nametag places on the tables) and for the rest of the year, the kids will sit there :P

As far as my back goes... it hurt and was stiff when I rolled out of bed this morning. I took a vicodin before working out, and that combined with the exercise made it not as stiff and not hurt as much.

Morphine in the Morning

Around 7:30 last night I decided to start the last of office painting I've yet to do. Approximately 7:45 my body let me know there was no way in HELL I was going to do that.

Apparently the 5 hours on my butt Saturday aggravated my sciatica. Even though, I wasn't sitting crosslegged. Boy do I have a lot to learn!

Well, around 8pm it was bad, and it only got worse. 1500mg of tylenol-like generic didn't touch the pain. I called a couple of friends, left messages, hoping they'd come over and could massage the ache out. No dice. I used a cold pack, I took a hot shower. I did a few Dr. recommended stretches.

By 11pm it was excruciating. Normal things I took for granted like... oh, I don't know... standing up straight, turning over in bed, squatting on the pot... was now like twisting a knife in my lower back. I literally cried and had to brace myself to stand the pain anytime I did one of the above.

Somewhere around Midnight I fell asleep, woke up at 1:36am. I know this cause I checked my phone, just in case one friend had texted me and I didn't see. My last text to him had been "I need your help". I lay there, trying to see if I could go back to sleep. But I couldn't get comfy... I couldn't get to a point where the pain was dull enough to ignore. Finally at 2:30 I knew I needed medical attention. This was not normal and could not wait till morning when the chiropractor's office opened.

I debated taking a cab, but gritted my teeth and actually drove myself to Dekalb Medical Center. Ahh the joys of living alone now bear testimony to the real practical reason to get married... to have someone to take you to the hospital in the middle of the night. Luckily for me, the emergency room was deserted. I filled out papers and got right in at 2:55. The attendant took my stats and story and escorted me to a room.

They have these machines that take your blood pressure... only for some reason, my bp was too high and the stupid thing would restart. That machine should be in a horror movie it hurt so much, squeezing my arm off. What happened to human beings taking blood pressure??

At 3:55 am the nurse came into my lil room to see me. Then she left saying the doc would be with me shortly. I thought about the Circle of Trust at the Y and what would they think of me not being there.

At 4:15 (yes, I'm a clock watcher when in agony) the doc came in, and at that point I was crying. He asked about someone to take me home, cause he was going to order me a shot of morphine and toradol. I said I thought there'd be someone I could call, but that I'd brought myself. (I couldn't see calling 911 for an ambulance ride of 1.5 miles). At 4:40am, I could no longer wait for a nurse to help me to the restroom, so I attempted to get up out of the "bed" I was in. Talk about pain! I got as far as my feet on the floor, gritting my teeth and yelling at each effort, still bent over when the nurse came in. She told me to hold it right there, and she'd give me the shots for some relief. By 5:10 it was starting to take effect and I felt calmer, although I could still feel the pain. As time went by, the pain diminished, and my feeling of relaxed wobbliness increased. This was the morphine.

I got x-rays, doc said it all looked good. He was going to prescribe ibuprofen and skelaxin (sp?) and vicodin for me, but I had to call someone to pick me up. At 6:40 in the morning, all the people I know are asleep and don't answer their phones, so I ended up waiting till the morphine wore off (mostly). I probably shouldn't have driven at 7am. Luckily nothing happened though and I sat in the Publix parking lot for 20 minutes with my eyes closed listening to morning radio DJs. I still had that slight floating/disconnected feeling, different from being drunk.

Imagine my chargrin when I got into Publix only to find that the pharmacy doesn't open till 9am! Heck if I'd known that, I'd have gone straight home to bed and chanced the pain later in a drive back to it. As it was, I knew I shouldn't go anywhere, so I spent an hour and half in the store with my mushy thoughts contemplating impulse buys.

I'm finally home safe and sound though. Geez I never want to go through that again.

Energy Vampires

Friday I got a call to do henna last minute, a very kind lady wanted a 2 hour appointment that night so her her design would be ready for a black tie affair Saturday night. I went, excited and nervous and thrilled. Got home around 11pm.

Saturday I spent 5 hours yesterday on my bum and did only a smattering of henna in that time. It was *slow* day. I came home, and felt completely drained! I could see if I'd been slinging nonstop, but this perplexed me.

I felt like all day people were just taking energy from me, whether it was the homeless man who wanted $3 to harangue folks my way, or the group of college girls that didn't buy anything- but just wanted to question me about henna, or the woman who's son got a $7 kanji and she wanted change for a $10 (which I gave her, thinking it was for the design, only to discover after that it wasn't).

I was also sitting next to the glassblower, so aside from breathing in his incense for 5 hours, I felt invisible next to the ooh and aah of fire and glass. Is it normal to feel so ... empty? Last weekend I felt very alive, had more success, and was energized rather than depleted.

Think I'm going to go get some massage tomorrow and be good to myself.Does garlic work on energy vampires, or should I try really strong Indian food?