Early Morning Ramble

So it's 2am, and I'm awake. wtf?

I woke up about an hour ago, wide awake, sinuses clear (they're never clear) and dry, and my brain wouldn't shut off. My leg muscles ached from all that dancing Saturday, especially the calves, so for the 2nd time in a week I took a very hot soak in a vanilla bubblebath.

I'm not happy. That's at the core of my being. Sure, I have moments of joy and peace and exhiliration like the next person. I'm a pisces, so I feel them just as intensely as my down times. A person at work yesterday looked at me, and said "I can read you like a book. You don't have to say anything." Now granted, I was fighting a headcold, and severely anxious/bummed about my student in the hospital- but I don't think she knew what I was thinking. She just knew how I was feeling.

There's some part of me that believes I don't deserve to be happy. Rationally I dispute that with myself, but the fact that a stranger on the phone, can repeat that simple phrase from a conversation a week prior, and it makes me start to cry lets me know it's a truth. Even now as I type it, I get weepy.

I don't know why I feel I don't deserve to be happy. I do know though, that my overeating, my slovenliness at home, are all external symptons of chaos inside. I'm not going to be able to break the cycle of weight gain and loss until I can get to the root of why I feel this way. All the reason and logic and nutrition education in the world won't do a damn bit of good in the face of an unacknowledged emotional truth. Can I truly be happy? Deep down, find out why it is I feel this way? And then how can I fix what's broken, mend the spirit so that I won't try to paste things together with food?