Listen Up!

Ok, to all you major sports-equipment-authority stores out there... listen up!

When a fat person finally gets it into her head to exercise, and comes into YOUR store to buy something to work out in, don't tell her "the larger sizes are all mixed in with the others".

I'm fat. I didn't get this way by putting tons of effort into physical exertions. Same is true for the majority of fat people. Don't make a fat person wander around searching through all the skinny people sizes making them feel worse about being so big. We are a HUGE untapped market (pun intended). Put all the darn large sizes together!!

AND... you need to change your inventory so that sizes larger than X-Large are provided IN THE STORE! Don't tell me I have to order a 2X, or 3X through the website. I'm fat, I don't want to wait around. I want to try it on NOW. I want to buy it NOW. If a fat person has decided to exercise, Carpe That Diem! Don't make it hard for me to spend my money in your store! If I wait for something to be mailed to me, I might get distracted instead by the Hot Fresh Now sign of Krispy Kreme, purchase a dozen orgasmic sugar goodnesses, and wake up from a sugar and grease induced haze in a back alley days later.

Also: Many fat people are extremely smart! We've spent years figuring out the quickest way to do something with the least amount of effort. We've spent years developing our brains instead of our physique. We've spent years on our fat asses in front of computers with the internet. SO..
When a fat person who's decided to exercise goes to buy shoes for said exercise at your Sports Authoritative store, and takes the time to examine differences in models to best guesstimate which shoe will hold up the longest under their extreme tonnage (and thus get the best value for their money)... and asks YOUR staff what's the difference? Don't let them answer in a way that makes them sound like they don't know what the hell they're talking about and just work there. If it's all just marketing ploys about SPEVA and whether or not the shock absorption is connected from front to back and how this one has a medial bar and this one doesn't... then SAY it's all just marketing.

Thank you.

oh, and PS: I decided that today, the first day after my birthday, is the start of my new life. So yeah, I'm exercising dammit.

Update

Right then, so it's been awhile since I wrote. Had a lot happen actually.

Friday the 16th there was no school, so I got my hair done, and aftewards headed over to ColdWater Creek to check out their clothes. I've seen catalogues, and online, and I absolutely love some of their items. Very original, comfy, artsy, clean lines. Quality fabrics, well made. I tried on some things I liked, but to my dismay I was a size 3x there. The stores don't carry much of that size, although it's available on the website. The lady helping me even called around to other stores, but to no avail. I had to go to frickin Lane Bryant again to get a white blouse. I'm so SICK and tired of shopping at Lane Bryant!! So much of what they have these days doesn't appeal to me (I have to shop by touch) and just isn't my style. I guess it's a sign of my ever-increasing age, ney?

Saturday night I went to what turned out to be a non-opening at Mr. Artist's gallery. It had been canceled, but since I'm not on the email list, I didn't know. Other people didn't know either. They showed up anyway. We sat in a empty white-walled gallery, on couches, and spoke of art, poetry, racial experiences in Atlanta, and life in general. No fancy cheese and wine, no standing around pretending to be interested in art on walls. Instead, we got real with each other. We made connections. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. We went from being strangers exchanging business cards to people exchanging shoulder rubs in a congo-like massage line. We talked for 4 hours.

Now, my original plan had been to show up lookin' fine, so Mr. Artist could see what he's missin', and then go back home in an hour or so since I'd been sick. Yes dear reader... I shall sigh and admit I was hot for him. Boots, jeans, new blouse, new jewelry, hair done the day before with cut and color... I was pretty fierce :P He looked good too though is the thing-khakis, sweater, haircut. At one point in the evening I told him I was having a great time, and he said he wanted to take me out to eat afterwards, as a birthday present early. We did go out, had good food, and yes, ended up back at my place. But it was sooo worth it :) He left late in the morning to attend his church, and I played hookey and stayed home... eventually going back to sleep :P

I never did hear last week from that lady who knows a lady in Chicago. Monday I was home and slept... I really overdid my reserves Saturday, having slept all Sunday too. You know I'm really sick when I don't care about eating... I stayed home Tuesday from school, went to the doc for meds, and that afternoon I watched the Oprah show. A preview for Thursday's episode came on and my heart sank... it was the best life diet episode. I hadn't been chosen. Tuesday was a low night for me. Lots of crying, pity-party of why I wasn't even good enough to be one of the most hopeless fat people in America, thinking of all the things I could have done better with my video, etc etc.

Wednesday I felt like I was trudging through school. I couldn't get a sub, so went to work anyway. On about 4 and half hours sleep. Came home, checked snail mail... oh look, birthday card from my parents... that was thoughtful.

I open it, and my jaw dropped on the floor and stayed there. My folks were never the kind to send me $20 every year in a card. It was usually just a card. So imagine my surprise when I see not only a large check, but a Ben Franklin. Seems that the letters my mom and I exchanged to help us heal our differences really did, and this was a gesture from her to let me know they really respected me for being independant. No matter how bad things have been, you see, I've never asked them to help out with my Credit debt or bills. Man... talk about night and day difference... I was floating all Wednesday night, and Thursday. I think the actual contemplation of what do to with all that money, is more enjoyable to me than just the pure spending.

So what have I done with it? Currently the check is in my savings, and the Ben is broken down into smaller denominations. I'm going to go out to a movie tonight, and see The Astronaut Farmer.

Today at school was my "pretend birthday". I got one of the things I really wanted, which was my Indian student returned to class, the one that had been in the hospital with water burns. To see her all smiles and delight again was awesome. We brought all the kids together for a massive dance party :P and then they settled down and gave me birthday wishes. They wished me everything from lots of toys, to a car, to a gold car, to a red car, to a pool, to a poodle to a baby boy! I had to laugh at that... it came from a hindi student and I thought wow... the best thing in his culture for me to get eh? I asked if I could have a husband first though and he said no. :P

More later, gotta go to my movie.

V-Day

Quick update on FLY Lady.... I've kept my kitchen sink wonderfully shiny. Tuesday I took a personal day and went to traffic court to explain about my expired tags I didn't know I had till I got pulled over last month. So also on Tuesday I did a load of laundry from the bathroom. Both floor rugs, all the towels. I cleaned every inch of floor, the toilet (which I was glad of last night as I worshiped the porcelain god), my shelves, etc. I even made my bed.

So yesterday was V-Day. The day when florists and greeting card companies make out like bandits. Yours truly did nothing special for Valentine's Day outside of school.

Two years ago, Mr. Wolf sent me an e-greeting for Valentine's Day. That should have been my sign right there. I was so mad... an e-greeting? Not even a freaking card?? So I called him and blasted him. He made up for it on our birthdays by sending me a dozen red roses, a stuffed "cute" set of luvbugs, and a Gianormous teddy bear to hug.

One year ago, Mr. Wolf was making plans to come see me. A month or two after his visit, he tells me he's seeing someone where he lives.

This year, Mr. Wolf proposed to same someone he was seeing back then. With a frickin' 3 CARAT ring!! I don't know what's worse, the feeling that I was a schmuck, or the feeling that I wish I'd been proposed to with a 3 carat ring, or the heartbreak revisited.

Ok, so it was the revisit of the heartbreak.

Mr. Artist called and left a message on Tuesday, saying he missed me... he missed everything, and by that he meant not just the nookie.

I got to thinkin'. I miss him too, but what is it I'm really afraid of? I'm afraid of getting my heart broken again. Duh. There are things about him and the situation that I don't like, and I'm using that as an excuse to say "you know... this isn't right" rather than "look, I don't want to get hurt".

Bleh. Just Bleh.

Right then... so add into all this chaotic confusion and bluff the germs that have been floating from student to student in my room. I think I've finally succumbed to them. Yesterday I was feeling achey/sleepy and last night I was literally sick to my stomach. My throat's scratchy and my nose is stuffed. I had great plans for the weekend and now I'm going to have to ask for a raincheck.

At least I don't have to teach Friday, or Monday, as we're off on holidays.

Fly Away

So last night I was talking to my friend Kinsi about my clutter, and need for structure and schedule. He turned me to this great site: http://www.flylady.net/

It's awesome, just what I need. It's great for taking baby steps back to learning how to clean and be organized. One of the first things they have you do, is clean your sink till it shines every night. And they even tell you step by step how to do this "till it shines".

Well, late last night I didn't have time to clean my kitchen sink, on account of I'd have to organize under it to put my dirty dish container (since I don't have a dishwasher) and dishrack. So I cleaned my bathroom sink till it shined instead. I used windex on the fixtures and mirror, and even chipped my nail digging out a couple years of soap buildup from the ceramic soapdish. Normally this would have been traumatic for me, but seeing as how all my other nails are broken and short, I didn't shed a tear :P

So this morning I put on some upbeat music after coffee and breakfast, and start de-cluttering under my sink. I threw out crap I didn't know I had under there. I made enough room to put in my dirty dish container, and dishrack. Then I started to clean my sinks really really good. Like, with comet and pink latex gloves (snap!). I got my fixtures to shine, but then as I was rinsing out, I noticed a new problem....the drain was backed up.

Mental note: go get drain-o after work.

I went upstairs to get dressed, and decided... you know... if a clean kitchen sink is the FLY lady's way of hugging me, then making my bed is that to myself. I don't know why, but a made bed just makes me smile. And it's a heckova lot better when I'm doing it for that reason, than because I can hear my mom's voice in my brain yelling at me to make my bed when I was a kid.

I did a ton of laundry yesterday, and of course, clean laundry usually stays put in the baskets... that's how I know it's clean! right? No..? Well today the slacks I needed for work were near the bottom of a basket, so rather than just search and pull, I actually PUT STUFF AWAY till I got to the slacks. Amazing!!! All this just because my friend Kinsi told me of this website.

Now to face my moral dilemma: Do I wear clean white socks with black pants and black shoes... or do I wear not-yet-smelly-but-not-laundry-fresh black socks?

Early Morning Ramble

So it's 2am, and I'm awake. wtf?

I woke up about an hour ago, wide awake, sinuses clear (they're never clear) and dry, and my brain wouldn't shut off. My leg muscles ached from all that dancing Saturday, especially the calves, so for the 2nd time in a week I took a very hot soak in a vanilla bubblebath.

I'm not happy. That's at the core of my being. Sure, I have moments of joy and peace and exhiliration like the next person. I'm a pisces, so I feel them just as intensely as my down times. A person at work yesterday looked at me, and said "I can read you like a book. You don't have to say anything." Now granted, I was fighting a headcold, and severely anxious/bummed about my student in the hospital- but I don't think she knew what I was thinking. She just knew how I was feeling.

There's some part of me that believes I don't deserve to be happy. Rationally I dispute that with myself, but the fact that a stranger on the phone, can repeat that simple phrase from a conversation a week prior, and it makes me start to cry lets me know it's a truth. Even now as I type it, I get weepy.

I don't know why I feel I don't deserve to be happy. I do know though, that my overeating, my slovenliness at home, are all external symptons of chaos inside. I'm not going to be able to break the cycle of weight gain and loss until I can get to the root of why I feel this way. All the reason and logic and nutrition education in the world won't do a damn bit of good in the face of an unacknowledged emotional truth. Can I truly be happy? Deep down, find out why it is I feel this way? And then how can I fix what's broken, mend the spirit so that I won't try to paste things together with food?

My Up and Down Weekend

Saturday night I celebrated a friend's birthday by going out to dinner and dancing. I haven't been dancing since.... geez prolly my first years at college- almost 20 years ago?

Dancing was interesting, and yes I had fun. I was expecting 80's music- Pet Shop Boys, Wham!, Cyndi Lauper... instead got 70's disco and early hip hop. My knees aren't quite the same. I guess it's a reality of all the weight I'm carrying. At least I had the good sense not to wear cute shoes. There was a guy there I found attractive, who looked at me a couple of times. I thought or hoped that he'd ask to dance with me, but he didn't. I thought I was pretty well put together for someone who hadn't been clubbing in ages. Then I get home and see that full length mirror image of me. It didn't jive with how I thought I looked from the inside.

Sunday I went to a Superbowl party. I achieved my goal of *still* not drinking any alcohol... my month isn't over, and I'll be darned if I'm gonna restart it just for a beer when I don't even particularly like football! I had a good time, rubbed some shoulders. Prolly stayed out too late.

Got up this morning feeling like I had a head cold. I did too much this weekend. Why is it that going out, and exerting myself, and having "fun" pulls me to a point where I don't stay well? Do I really lack any kind of balance? I don't want to be doomed to a sedentary lifestyle of mouse-potatoism (as in computer mouse- rather than in from of TV).

So at school today one of the boys tells me that a girl who's absent is in the hospital. She got hot water burns. A friend of their family came later that morning to tell me what hospital she's at, and get any work from school. I went by to see her this evening after Henna Club. It's pretty serious. I hugged the mother for what seemed like an hour. Just let her cry. And it was the girl's birthday when this happened. Her 6th birthday. She'd been sick, and was taking in steam for congestion. Somehow a napkin or cloth got stuck, and the whole pot of water came down on her chest, the inside of her right arm, and part of her backside. Her mom had just started decorating for the birthday.

To all this is added that I heard from that lady again... you know.. the one that works for a lady in uh.. Chicago, who has a tiny lil show. I'm to make a tape to send in, and they need it by Friday. It feels totally surreal this evening.