Some updates

I broke up with the Mr. Kenya. If you can call not wanting to see or talk to him after 3 dates, "breaking up". He was starting to creep me out with bad vibes of power plays and control issues. The last 2 letters of his name he wouldn't even tell me, tried to get me to kiss it out of him. No discernable address. He works for Bellsouth helping to lay cable, dig up cable etc... grunt work. The phone .. I have for him is a work phone.

I've not given him my address, nor brought him here, but that doesn't mean he couldn't look it up. He would call me every single fuckin day to "check up on" me. He gave me the corniest lines. The first date I felt mildly attracted to him, so I gave him 2 chances, but as there's nothing more there, and I just keep getting bad vibes from him, I tried to end it Sunday. Soon as I got off the phone with him he called right back and was like "You're just gonna give up on us??" sheeeeesh.

He's convinced that because I went on 3 dates with him there must be something there. I said no, there's hasn't been anything there since the 1st date. That one date got you 2 more to see if there would be. I didn't see anything to "try and save". I told him the calling all the time was annoying, and I talked more in emails anyway. I tried to be nice and say email me all you want, call me once a week. He knows I'm going out of town for 2 weeks, so I really really hope he'll just drop it.

I finally finished painting in my classroom! I'll post pics here once I figure out how. I also got my hair cut. I've been realizing that I feel really good. More than good, I feel whole. I think I'm finnally reaching the end of the "healing from divorce" tunnel. I realized that who I looked like on the outside, and how I felt on the inside didn't match up. I've had the long hair for 2 years now. So I got it cut. Pretty drastic, but it's short and bob-like, and sassy. I love it!

I had a first date tonight with a guy, that actually seems like someone I would know, rather than a "guy" to date, and figure out how to mesh lives and habits etc. I'll post more about him when I know him better.

OH... and I'm going to Florida for 2 weeks tomorrow. I should try to sleep, but my brain keeps goin'.

Eat, Crap, and Laugh

I wish I knew what was going on with my appetite. The past two days I seem to have had little to no control. Yesterday it was Olive Garden (yes, two full servings of yummy salad... part of the chicken scampi, and then 3 hours later, the rest of the chicken scampi in front of the World Cup). Today it was Chinese food. Now, I know that part of today was association and lack of good eating frequently. Meaning... I ate breakfast about 8am, and didn't eat again till I was starving at 3:00. The association comes in because I was painting in my classroom (will post pics when they're done) with materials borrowed from a class parent. Said parent loves Chinese food, and invited me over twice in the past year... yep, for Chinese. I had crab rangoon, pot stickers, and mu-shuu pork. WTH am I thinking?? That it'll just melt off my thighs??

The other thing that's been weird, and not pleasant, is that the past week and half I've had the runs off and on. Like dry heaves but the other end. Anyway, I put it down to stress, as I've had an IBS occurance before, I'm just not sure what the stressor is. Bleh. Maybe it's that I have less than a month now till I go back to work. I actually had a dream the other night about it being the first day of school and I wasn't prepared, my room wasn't ready. Everything was a mess.

Sunday I had a weird thought that made me laugh. I actually thought, "There's too many men in my life." Saturday I knew that both Mr. Kenya and Mr. Korea would call me, and I knew I didn't want to hear the phone ring, I didn't want to talk to them, I didn't want to go out. I wanted a quiet day at home. So I was bad. I turned off the ringer, and turned the volume down to nill on the answering machine. Sunday I went out to a bookstore to get copies on Kerouac's Tristessa, and On the Road. I was delighted to be going out, alone, by myself... reveling in the freedom of doing whatever I wanted.

I've come 180 degrees from where I was last summer. Back then I remember pitying myself that I didn't have a guy all the time. Now I'm feeling just the opposite. Isn't life grand? Time does heal all wounds.

Friday

Mr. Kenya is buggin me. I don't let me guard down everytime he calls and compliments me on sexy this, or sexy that. He actually said today... "Did you get my Dvd?" I was like uh, no... what dvd. He says, "Oh, well then I'll have to come over there and perform in person." I laughed and at hokeyness of it and asked if that line usually worked on women.

He doesn't connect with me on an intellectual level. And since he feels money can buy happiness, I don't think we'd connect on a spiritual or emotional level.

I'll think I'll just not return his calls for a few days, but I know too that he unfortunately "likes a challenge". I'm just not up for talking to him every damn day and listening to his adorations. Am I crazy? Isn't this what a woman should want?

I guess I just don't feel they're genuine, or that I have much of a connection to him to reciprocate and get all mushy.

Mr. Mirror, Mr. Kenya, and Mr. Wolf

Well, I thought it time for an update.

Mr. Mirror and I are speaking again. We're friends, but I don't expect the level of relationship we had in the beginning. He's just not able to give that much. Or, as he puts it, he's "still fucked up".

I've gone on 2 dates now with Mr. Kenya. This is really the first time I've dated someone with dark skin, and I'm amazed to discover it doesn't matter to me with him. He lives way on the other side of town, and works 6 days a week doing phone/cable repair.

Let me describe Mr. Kenya. He has dark chocolate colored skin. He's tall, 6'1". He works out, and has a good physique. His smile shines beautifically and lights up his whole face. He's artistic, and admires creativity in others. He did make the statement early on to me, when he heard I was on Jenny Craig, that he hoped I would not lose my "curves". That he isn't into the Western ideal of beauty.

Mr. Kenya grew up in Nairobi, Kenya; his mother working for the U.N. He's used to being around uppercrust well to do people of all nationalities. He's also lived in London (has only a slight British accent) and has lived in Atlanta for the past nine years. He's 28, and seems to desire that which represents wealth and prosperity or status. He feels that having the nice car, good income, right clothes, is the way to get noticed by women. That "money can buy love" as he puts it. He and I disagree on this issue. That perhaps it can buy intense like, but what happens when the money goes away? He shrugged and said he hoped the woman would stay. Seems like a quite a different way of looking at things to me.

For a long time though, I kept him at an arm's length. I was suspicious, as it were. What was the *real* motive behind this African god's interest in me? He's very glib with the compliments. Very smooth. I'm not used to great looking men, who seem to have money and jobs, be in pursuit of me! This guy looks similar to Tyrese Gibson. Only after a recent conversation did it make sense to me. (yeah, sorry romantics... somewhere in my mind, there has to be a *logical* explanation). In his country, in his culture, it's easier for women to be skinny than to be plump. To be plump is a sign of wealth or power or prosperity. So my body type, is also an indicator of wealth. Somehow this makes more sense to me than just "I'm attracted to you and your shape" because he seemed so ... over the top to try and impress me. I mean, he paid for our coffees on the first date with a 50 dollar bill for crying out loud.

As Mr. Wolf puts it, I should "enjoy" this time, and just take things slow. Enjoy the fact that men want me, and desire me. It's not something I've had a lot of exposure to. Despite all that, I've no idea what will happen, if anything. I enjoy his wit, but at my core, I'm not attracted to a pursuit of money and wealth for it's own sake.

Yes, I did talk to Mr. Wolf recently. He's doing well and is still dating Ms. Italy. I wish him well to be honest. For once, during the time of our friendship, I really hear him being happy in his personal life. Good for him.

The summer is about half over for me. The thought makes me stress a little. It shouldn't, I know. In 2 weeks I'll be heading down to FL to see my parents and friends. Then I'll fly from Orlando to Dallas and back again to see friends there in TX. God I love the Texas group :) Great people, and good times.

Savoring

My thought for the day:

"...savor everything. Enjoy whatever God gives you, as much as He gives you, however He gives it, and wherever He gives it. Use whatever you have for the benefit of the world. Rest peacefully in the realization that you have exactly as much as God wants you to have right now. You are in exactly the place and exactly the position where He wants you. Do not let your life go to waste always thinking, "If only I had that, then I would be happy." Wherever God is, that is where true richness is. "
- Pujya Swamiji

I found this thought to be very reassuring today. I am blessed to have a roommate at this time, a friend who was in need of a place to stay temporarily. By renting out my other room, God has given me the means to get ahead of some of my bills. To pay off the ones I've been behind on.

I have many things, many possessions. This is not a bad thing of itself, but I need to see and realize the plenty that I am blessed with, and be thankful for it. Many times I am too concerned with "the next thing" I want.

I have a roof over my head,
cool air on hot days,
food in the pantry.

I have friends who laugh with me,
students who love me,
and room-parents that respect me.

I have my own mom and dad who are still alive and love me.
I have clothes to wear... too many perhaps.
I have my health.
I have a car, I have a job.
More than that,
I have a job that allows me to be free 2 months of the year.

I am blessed indeed.

Movie Freedom

Last night I experienced one of my favorite joys of being single. I went to the movies. By myself.

I didn't have to wait on another person to be ready before I could go. I didn't have to ask and be nice about what he wanted to see. I went to what I wanted to see. I saw Superman Returns. I didn't get concessions. I sat where *I* wanted. I stayed till the end of the credits, and mused what to do next. I thought about seeing another movie.

I went to the food court and got dinner to go, took it back to the theatre (AMC's let you bring in your own food) and I bought a ticket to see Click. Sat where I wanted, and was even able to stretch out with the stadium seating and a raised armest. I love that. Like having a home theatre in your... home.

One of the points made in Click is that life isn't about skipping the experiences to get to a goal. It's about the experiences themselves. That made me think back to my post about my dental costs. I'd felt the urge to fast forward to a point when I wouldn't have huge bills to pay off anymore. But that's not the point. Life is about what you do along the way. There will always be huge bills, unexpected costs, and debt.

When I die, I'll take the good time and memories with me. My debts though, will get paid by life insurance :D I think I'll rack up the memories and enjoy freedoms while I can, without worrying so much about the money.