A New Start for a New Year

I emailed Mr. Colorado Sunday and told him my thoughts on us. He wrote me back today, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised at his comments. He says he thinks I've got deeper issues than whether I think I'm in love with someone else. That God opened a door for me and I was afraid to walk through. He also said that he knew if I didn't run over the holidays that I would have eventually, and that he couldn't trust me with his heart. He's glad I backed out. He's also going to pray that I find an understanding about what keeps me from a deeper relationship with God and trust His decisions.

Part of me says... oh.. so it couldn't be that I didn't find you attractive, it's got to be because of God. It'd be easier in some respects if I weren't so independant, and thought, "yeah, God wants me to move to Colorado and marry this man who will immediately impregnate me and continue his family". Mr. Colorado's mom is a preacher, and he's used to living with the scary-on-edge-"God says go here" type decisions. I wasn't raised that way. Perhaps he'll view it as me not having enough faith.

I view it as God has always allowed humans to make choices. I'm choosing not to go down a road with Mr. Colorado any further. I can't just blindly go... yeah, lemme go here cause a guy is so head over heels for me he thinks it's God's will.

Sigh.

I had a good holiday with my folks. It was weird being the only child home for the holidays. My youngest brother and his wife just moved into a new house so they spent Christmas eve there. I also took a bunch of laundry home, so I felt very much like the cliche. To make matters more absurd in a darkly comic way, the washer chose to break with one of my loads. Except that I didn't know it had. I just assumed that it was normal for their old washer to not drain too well, and leave a lil bit of water in the bottom. After I get done, and Dad puts a load in, they discover the agitator is broken... on Christmas eve. He wouldn't be able to fix it for a couple of days when the stores reopened.

I spent the last two days with my brother and his wife in their new house. Well, Thursday was actually spent in their old apartment repainting the walls white, and getting the last of the trash etc out. He and I got some good talk time. Turns out there's more inner turmoil in he and his wife's relationship than they ever show. It reminded me of stressful times in my own relationship with my ex, and how being single frees me of that.

Kind of a two edged sword, isn't it? Single people long for a relationship, and those in a relationship face the hard reality of conflict and stress and emotional pressure.

It's raining today. All dark and grey and stormy. I have a headache that hasn't gone away for two days. I just got back from Wal-Mart. I bought a ladder-shelf for $30.00! It'll be a big help in organizing my office/dining room area. This weekend I've also been busy cleaning out old closets, throwing away bags of trash. It's felt really good :) A new start for a New Year.