Happy Holidays?

I got back Wednesday from Florida. A day early. Lots of stress going on, and as I got sick, I got the brunt of it for different reasons from my mom.

My dad lost 68 lbs while he was in the hospital. It's the first time I've ever looked at him and thought of him as old and frail.

Sunday my mom went to church (disappointed of course that I didn't go) and I went into the back bedroom to nap and read. When she got home, she came into my room and said, "Your dad's had a fall... and you were here!"

Turns out dad got up to get ice and blacked out, hitting his head on the way down. Mom started to disparage me, and dad was telling her he didn't cry out or anything, he just sat there till he felt he could get up, throwing ice cubes into the sink. He thinks his blood pressure meds are too strong now since he's lost all that weight.

Well when I got sick, my brother and my mom both kept saying things like "should you be here? I don't want you to get dad sick" duh, I didn't want to get him sick either. So I kept to myself most of the time in the back room.

Mom always makes me feel like I'm being judged. comments about what I eat, and when I eat it; how I'm not christian enough (or at all) and her attempts to make sure I know God loves me, and then the last straw came when I heard her talking to my brother Glenn out on the porch. She said some awful, hateful, bitter things about me- blaming me for dad's fall essentially.

So I packed up my things, talked to my bro on the way out, and left. I got out, went to the bookstore to calm down. I'd felt guilty enough already about my dad. I'd felt stressed before, but this was the tops. I made a hotel reservation. Saw a movie to get my mind off of things.

After the movie I checked my messages. Mom had called, deeply apologetic. Seems my brother scolded her after I left. About how she was misplacing blame that she felt on herself. She told me to call her when I was ready to talk.

I didn't call until I got back to Atlanta.

So yeah, Christmas was weird for me. Presents were great, fine. Nothing to complain about. All I'd really wanted was Dad home anyway, and that happened. It's just complicated with family, you know?

You Learn Something New Everyday

So yesterday at work the team is sitting around having a lunch in honor of our new kindergarten teammate. She puts cheese on her sandwich and says "be right back, gonna melt the cheese". To which one of my coworkers responds "Ohhh, you gettin' all booji now, huh." (spelling approximated- j sound like a French j in joie de vive)

To which I look at them, and say, "Booji? What's that... one of your made up words?" Note to the reader: I'm the only white person on my team. They're all like, no, it's a real word. I look to another coworker and ask what it means. She replies I'm getting all booji now, by askin'. Finally they tell me it means acting stuck up, or thinking you're better than someone else.

So I'm wondering where does this word come from? Could it be bourgeoise? But that doesn't make sense, since to my mind bourgeoise meant common people. So I ask a coworker how to spell it, and I should have known better. She shrugs like she never thought of how it'd be spelled and says "b-o-o-g-y".

Yesterday afterschool I went over to Mr. Artist's place. Mr. Artist, btw, is Black. He knows the word! Better yet, he says it was often a word he'd had applied to him, and he tells me it *does* come from bourgeois. Damn I love a smart man. When I said this didn't make sense to me, given my understanding of the word, he said it was used because the black person wasn't acting "black", but acting as if they were better than that, middle class even. This seems weird to me, but maybe it's because I grew up middle class, and white to boot. Somethings I will probably never understand since I'm not black. And that's ok. At least I can learn.

Irreplaceable

There's a new song out by Beyonce, called Irreplaceable.

This is currently the theme song for my life. There's a line that goes:
"You must not know about me...I can have another you in a minute. Matter of fact, he'll be here in a minute."

A couple of weeks ago I was sad that I'd broken up with Mr. Music. A week later, I'm having 2 first dates with two different guys. Next day, 2nd date with one of them-Mr. Yummy. Tuesday, a first date with someone I'd met previously a couple weeks ago, Mr. Artist. That's right- met! like in person and stuff- not through a dating site!

Today I find out Mr. Cheese, whom I thought wasn't attracted to me, is highly. He's not ready for me though, and we both know it. It was cool to really talk to him though, and get it out in the open between us. I found out, for instance, that the reason he avoids me, is he knows he's attracted to me (and vice versa).

But da-yam... all this makes me smile. It seems like the more confident I become about who I am, and what I want, and not being.... needy? about a man... and all of a sudden there's almost one for each day.

And Mr. Artist... met for about 45 min tonight just to talk. He was between appointments, and we met at a coffee type shop. He said I'd been the first person to ask him out for coffee... to talk with him, not at him, or to him, or just to hear him talk. I told him it's a powerful thing to be able to intrigue my brain. Intelligence, humor, a great smile... irreplaceable for an incredibly sexy combo.

It's Interesting

It's interesting, getting to know people. And by people, I mean guys. Most of my friends are guys, but then again, I grew up with brothers. The people I'm friends with from work are women, but they all you know... have families and stuff :P

Everyone has some major issue in their life. Some have more than others. Some are very open with what they've been through, such as Mr. Music. Some seem completely together on the surface, like Mr. Hippy did, or Mr. Yummy, only to reveal this depth that really fascinates me. Sometimes I wonder if I somehow attract these people to me, people that are almost like a walking wounded soul. People that bump around searching for their one big something, whether it's a direction, a goal, a state of emotional health. That one big thing that when they find it, attain it, make it theirs, they'll finally have arrived; be whole, be complete.

But completeness comes from within. Life is a journey, not a goal to be obtained. Everything is in a state of flux. Perhaps you attain one goal or desire, but by then, situations have changed, and people may feel there's yet another elusive carrot dangling out in front of them to make them whole.

I don't know why I've encountered so many of these this year. Maybe it's an acceptance. The phrase I've heard repeated recently was that there was an "openness" about me. Maybe a lack of judgement. I don't know.

I love how we as human beings are complex multi-layered individuals. Seldom is anything as simple as it may seem on the surface. I had another date with Mr. Yummy today. That's obviously what stirs this whole line of thought. I won't go into much detail, but it gave me an interestingly refreshing pause to find out there's someone a bit more old-fashioned than I am about dating- and definitely more complex than the surface shows.

I've rambled, and probably don't make any sense... but I wanted to get these thoughts down.

Windows and Doors

There's a cliche saying that where one door closes, another one opens. Or, that God never closes a door without opening a window.

Man is that ever true.

I went on 2 first dates today, just a week after my breakup with Mr. Music. One date was coffee this morning with an Indian fella. No chemistry- seemed painfully shy, but I knew I wasn't attracted to him as soon as we met. I did, however, tell him about the 20s/30s group at my church, as one of the things he expressed his life lacks is a social peer group. He said he'd check out the UUCA website, but I dunno if we'll ever see him come visit.

The other date though... wow! When this guy first contacted me, I knew there might be some chemistry. He's a fellow pisces. All the (all = 2) Piscean men I've dated I've had enormous physical chemistry with. I knew the potential was there (not guaranteed, mind you) . He's older than me, which is great- breaks the cycle of younger men. He's cute, clean cut, blue eyes, dimples, nice body, and has a wonderfully deep voice, with a hint of country in it. Not too much to make one cringe, but just a hint of Western Cowboy... Brokeback Mountain without the homosexuality.

We met for coffee late this afternoon. We almost didn't meet. He'd had a late night earlier, and a hike with someone previous to meeting up with me. I could have easily called it off to rest.... but I'm really glad I didn't. We talked about a lot of things over coffee. As the sun went down, and lights around us came on, he suggested getting a bite to eat. I wasn't hungry, but I didn't say so... I'd been hoping he'd ask me. We went to dinner and talked about things most people don't ever talk about on the first date. I liked that. Less dancing around certain hot topics and being all PC for fear of rejection by the other person. He walked me to my car after dinner and asked to kiss me. Damn he's a good kisser. I'm sure we pissed off the people trying to pull into the parking space next to my car, but I didn't care. Seldom have I felt such an intense initial chemistry with someone. It was better than expected.

I definitely look forward to seeing him again. mmm yeah.

Gobble Gobble!

Well, I have spent Thanksgiving being sick. I have a cold and cough, the kind of cough that doesn't go gently into this good night. The kind of hacking cough that wakes you up demanding to be heard, demanding air into and out of your lungs.

You know those over-the-counter cough supressants,

they don't work.


However, Nyquil will put me out- right out. That's a good thing. Crystallized ginger, either eaten or put into a cup of tea helps quiet the cough as well.

I did buy myself some "traditional" Thanksgiving food. I got stuffing, a rotisserie chicken, 2 corn on cobs, champagne, and a school parent had given me a pumpkin pie on Tuesday. Please note- between Tuesday and Thursday, the pie disappeared. Yes... I am that much of a pig- I ate it all.

So I didn't go anywhere or do anything special for Thanksgiving. That's ok. I'm thankful my dad made it through his surgery last week. I'm thankful for Mr. Writer, who called to ask if I needed anything, then promptly brought over orange juice, kleenex, chicken broth, his favorite brand of chicken soup with meatballs, and thera-flu. The latter of which I intend to try today and see if it works on my cough.

So if you weathered the holiday amidst family fights, or if you go out into the morass of people and automobiles today- be thankful you have your health.

Oh, and one more thing.


Hide your pie.

Khazana Boutique

This picture shows off a henna piece I did Friday night. The design continues up my arm past the bangles. It's my first attempt at a bridal henna design, and overall I'm pleased with how it turned out. Took 6 hours, including breaks, and a couple of phone calls.

I went to a gallery art show last night. A friend of mine's boyfriend had 2 photos in the exhibit, and the curator is himself an artist. I dressed up in my best salwar kamiz (ok, my ONLY salwar kamiz) and realized I needed some bangles to match. So I went to the local Indian boutique called Khazana.

I visited the location before, when I was looking at buying a kamiz but with no idea of my size, what they would think of this strange white girl and so on. Another store I'd been to pretty much ignored me, but this place was different. The ladies treated me just like a regular customer they wanted business from. They showed me different outfits to try on, were patient with my questions, and very helpful. Even though I didn't buy anything then, the pleasant experience made me want to come back when I did have a purchase to make.

So I walked in a lil shy, as I know how strange it is for them to see one such as me dressed up in their native clothing. I'm never sure if they will think I'm some poser "stealing" their culture, or if they're just surprised. One came over to help me, and I asked to see the bangles. They have a corner wall from counter to ceiling with bangles stacked in all different colors and sizes.

Unlike the US, it seems to be very common to have different sizes of bangles. At the henna party last weekend, I'd tried on a size 2-8 and it was too tight going over my hands. So I knew enough to tell the lady I needed a size 2-10. I wanted something in orange and gold, to match my outfit, but I wasn't going to spend $20 on what was prolly the best in my size :P I settled for a peach and silver set that was $10, and a decorative $3 bindi for my forehead.

All in all, I looked great, and felt great (which is more important, in my opinion). I got a lot of compliments at the exhibition. The curator of the place asked to paint me :) And while most people would assume this was a pickup line, my friend had informed me about his work, and need for plus-size white models. And if it was a pickup line? (he says he only dates plus size women) Well... he's a scorpio who's got a lot of issues going on in his life, and I just got through dating one of those.

Fiscal Housekeeping

So, I've taken action against the flood of dollars leaving my bank account every month, seemingly going nowhere.

I haven't done what's needed yet to reopen my online banking. I started by getting a current total in my account from the ATM. I put $350 in savings to replace what I took out last month, plus a lil more. When bills came in this week, I wrote the checks. Power is $168, that includes a $100.00 deposit and a 44.00 reconnect fee (insert chargrin here). I finally sent a payment to the dentist- $50 of the 2k I owe him for two crowns in my mouth I didn't know my insurance wasn't going to cover. Bellsouth- $161 which includes a couple of months backfees since I hadn't been paying on time. Gas is $45.00, but due 12/03- so I'm going to write that check on the 28th of Nov. $200 to Visa. I sent in an app for a 0% card on balance transfers, and thanks to the advice of a good friend, will NOT being using that for anything else.

I kept track of my expenses this week, admittedly trying very hard to NOT spend money if I really didn't need to. $10.00 in gas for car, $10.00 for my part of a grade level baby shower gift, $10.00 for my part of a gradelevel birthday gift for my assistant, $6.49 for falafel in a moment of weakness, $9.36 for card and Lil Debbie Cakes for the students for assistant's birthday, $17.58 on groceries, and $20.00 cash for the weekend.

I have exactly $301.06 left till my next paycheck. I can do this.

I can do this.

Safe and Sound

My dad made it through the operation yesterday :) They said his vital signs were good during the procedure. They got all of the tumor, and they said it was contained within the bile duct. They've sent it to be biopsy'd and will have the results sometime. My dad will be in the hospital for 7 to 10 days recovering, but this we will indeed have something to be thankful for on the 23rd.

Prayers

My dad's surgery is today. It should start around 8:30 and end around 3:30.

One word- Panties

Now that I have your attention.... *grins*

What's the difference between dirty laundry and clean laundry? The clean panties are folded.

I spent 2 hours at the laundromat yesterday. Seemed like most of the people there were stressed or angry or both. I am in the process of packing away my spring/summer clothes and hanging up my winter/fall ones. So I had a lot of laundry to do. Add to the fact that I had no folded panties left...All told I did 6 top washer loads. And are those washers really double load? And how can you tell? to me they look exactly like the ones in my apt complex's laundry center, but cost twice as much.

I went to church yesterday. I caught myself doing something new. I referred to myself as Unitarian- "we Unitarians, us- " etc. Always before I felt like I didn't know quite where I fit in. I'm not typical Methodist Christian. I believe in more than one lifetime. I believe in a creator God, and the soul. I believe we're here to learn something specific that our souls decided on ahead of time. I've been visiting this Unitarian church since July. Today was the first time I consciously felt like I was part of it. Included as it were. No longer a complete outsider looking in.

Interesting.

Memo to Congress

Wow! Blue Gal's got a great memo to congress about reproductive rights. Read about it here: http://bgalrstate.blogspot.com/2006/11/memo-to-congress-and-scotus.html

My personal thoughts are somewhat predictible. While I'd like to think that there are viable alternatives (adoptions etc) to an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy, I don't ever want a government telling me what I can and can't do with my body. I've been fortunate to never have had an unplanned pregnancy, but in the event that I did, I'd want to make my decision without worrying if I'd have to do something illegal in a dirty room off a back alley, you know?

Kudos to Blue Gal

Good Morning~

Good Morning World!

And it is a good morning. For several reasons :)

1) The sun is shining :) That's always a reason to feel better.

2) I'm not at work :D I took a sanity day and got to sleep in (yes, 8am is sleeping in for a kindergarten teacher) and I'll be getting my hair done later. That's always a reason to smile.

3) Mr. Music just left. I'd forgotten how nice it can be to wake up to someone, and smile, and joke, and hug. Also, he wasn't too traumatized my most awfulest terriblest secret!! (I snore)


I talked to my brother Eric last night. Dad's surgery will not be until *next* Wednesday, which means it's a good thing I went ahead and came back to Atlanta. Eric'll fly back to CA tomorrow, and at the moment I don't know if Mom will stay a week in Tampa, or spend some of that time back at home. I can honestly say that I'm glad I'm not in the middle of all that stress.

And speaking of stress, I may be able to get a hold on the financial stress. Mr. Writer came over yesterday, and I asked him about what he does to keep track of his money.

He doesn't have a debit card. He uses cash. I think this is a good thing- makes it more real about how much I'm spending. With a debit card, it's just invisible.

He also uses online banking to pay his bills. He can see his payment history, due dates, and so on. I feel like sometimes I don't have a notion where the money is going to (well, except bills) but that it's defintely flying away.

I'm also going to open one of those 0% balance cards to transfer my CC debt to, so that I am not paying $70 a month in fees.

I'm going to talk to my cell phone company, or look up on their website, and find a cheaper plan.

So let's see- plan of attack: Get online banking. Total up bills v income. Put $100 of leftovers in savings. Divide leftover of that by 4 to get Weekly Spendable Total. From this must come gas, food, entertainment. Take out a smaller amount in cash than the WST, and see if I can live on this cash.

Welp, at least it's a plan. Afterwards, Mr. Writer gave me a nice compliment. He said that if I were ever single again, to let him know. He sounded a bit melancholy, but sincere. I reacted with disbelief and gruffness by saying "what, you're into relationships now?" Probably not the most sensitive thing to say, eh? (We never had sex since he wasn't at a place where he wanted a relationship) He seems to be in the middle of some soul searching with regard to his life, where it is now, how the past has affected it, and where he wants to be. And he seems to genuinely want someone to share time with. Beyond the physical aspects. And that touched me. Too bad his timing is off.

What a week

I'm back in Atlanta. A lot didn't happen while I was visiting my folks in Florida. The surgery didn't happen- yet. He's now moved to Tampa to be worked on by a cancer surgeon.

Why did I come back? In essence, if I'm going to be stressed out over my dad, I want to be with my friends. I supported my mom while I was there, and dealt with all the frustrations we had with waiting. I know that I eventually have to be back at work. I thought it would be Friday, now I'm not so sure.

I came home today to discover the power had been turned off. For non payment. I was suppose to have paid it before I left for FL, but of course, it never entered my mind.

I feel like I am fiscally out of control. I *should* make enough money that I'm not constantly strapped, right?? That I'm not juggling power v gas v phone bills, deciding which gets paid when due, and which will on the next paycheck. Why is it I could handle finances better right out of college when I was dirt poor?

I feel like I need to get a grip on my money, and get it now. Like somehow I'm a loser and incompetent and stupid for not being in control of my finances, and my emotional eating, and all the crappy chaos in my apartment. I'm in my middle 30s for gosh sakes!!!

So, I had a good cry. I called a couple of friends, and they listened. They reassured. Then I started picking up trash, cleaning, adding a lil bit of order here and there.

I'll prolly cry some more. My dad's not through with things yet.

Sweet bitters

I guess this post could also be called bittersweet, but my initial feeling is one of sweetness and smiles, while the remainder isn't.

Date last night again with Mr. Music. Went wonderfully. Watched a silent movie from Clara Bow, and cuddled. At the end of the evening, I floated home with a smile on my face :D

Mom called during the middle of the movie to ask about my plans. My dad's been in the hospital since Saturday. He had a blocked bile duct, and they put a stint in to let the thing drain properly. The did a biopsy on the blockading tissue, and it's cancerous. So they'll remove it- it's small, and looks like the cancer hasn't spread.

So I'm looking at upending my next few days and rushing to my mom and dad's side as it were. I love my dad. I'm a daddy's girl. Always got along better with him than with mom. I know that it's a small surgery, still... it's surgery all the same, with all the risks any surgery entails.

If you don't hear from me for awhile, I went to Florida.

Time Change

Ok, wtf?

I thought cell phones were supposed to automatically keep pace with a time change. My new cell phone, no problem. It accurately reports the "correct" time, after we "fell back" this weekend.

However, such is not the case with my old cell phone. I keep my old one around to use as an alarm clock. I never could get used to the jingle jangle of new-fangled cellphone alarms, and prefer the old beeper. I *thought* that my old phone also kept pace with the new time. I was wrong.

I set the alarm for 5am last night as I usually do. I get up when it goes off, head to the shower, sit under the cascade of water and wash my hair till I wake up. Head downstairs, check email, and then... I wandered into the living room. This is where I notice Time for the first time. I turned back my clock in there. It reads that it's 4:45am. Wtf? You mean to tell me I got up at 4am, instead of 5?? That I could have had another hour lounging in bed?

sigh.

At least I have extra time to read this morning.

Yay! A date :D

I had a date last night, it was wonderful :) I'll call him Mr. Music. I'd met him at my church a month ago, and we'd been exchanging emails. I finally got up the nerve to offer to be a tour guide.

All told, the date was about 12 hours long hehe. I picked him up, as he is 2 months new to Atlanta. We headed to Lil 5 points, but man there were SO many people... nowhere to park. Then we realized it was also game day, and part of the crowds were game "tourists" wanting to see the granola capital of Atlanta.

So we skipped that, and instead I took him to a bluesy BBQ place. He plays guitar, so I figured he'd appreciate it. And he did. We had the obligatory boring "this is my life" conversations, and moved over to my school for more of it afterwards. We walked and talked there, then had a lil time to kill before the Cemetery so we got a beer.

The Cemetery was really really cool. Oakland Cemetery is a victorian style cemetery from teh 19th century. They offer Halloween tours, and this was originally the "date" part of the evening. The paths were lit with luminaries, and torches, and our guide led us to different mausoleums. These were open, and had a "spirit" who told us about his life and relevance to the history of Atlanta. The tour took about an hour, and they offered $1 coffee and cookies etc afterwards. There was also a goth gal playing violin hehe.

After the cemetery we went to the church halloween party. I changed into my costume there. I was gum on the bottom of a shoe :P Other costumes were: pregnant nun (guy had a beard), 2 guys with beards dressed up as girl scouts, a girl dressed as Eddie Munster, a pirate, a wench, Dracula's bride, Shaggy (with stuffed animal Scooby), cheerleader, the red head from desperate housewives, harem girl, cowgirl, monk, Jet Li, King George Bush, and pippi longstocking.

Mr. Music played his guitar after an hour of socializing. I sat at his feet in awe, and eventually he became the focus of the party. He has a lot of fire and passion in his playing, and he knows a TON of songs! From Who to Rolling Stones to Beatles to Radiohead, to Nirvana. We finally left there about 1am, and went back to his place to talk and cuddle. I got home about 4am (3am new time).

And I woke up around 8, then 10, but stayed in bed till 12 hehe.

All in all, an excellent date! Much more so than I expected, as I'm very comfortable around him, and he makes me laugh.

Can I Get A Do-Over?

Well, today has been a day of mistakes, and I feel rather crappy. I guess it goes along with the weather, but it's worse because somethings I did and didn't do caused 2 others injury.

The first, and most recent, has to do with a cople of people in the K hall. They are GA bull dog fans, and one of them was here very late last night making a banner for the hallway, saying go dawgs, down with the gators, etc etc. There are 2 teachers that have quite a clemson tigers/ george tech rivalry, and when they make hall banners and such, each goes to destory / vandalize the others banners. So.... when I saw this today in the hall, not realizing how much work had been put into it, and not realizing the care people had... I made a great big ol' gator over it. I covered the G in "go dawgs" and made an N. My next door coworker got so furious she ripped up the whole banner. She asked me about it, and I apologized. I hadn't meant it in a rude or disrespectful manner. She said if it had been this other guy that did it, one who's really a FL fan, and made his own banner for her to destroy, if they had agreed to it, she wouldn't have been pissed. So... I'm learning the hard way that I don't have the kind of comraderie that they have. I don't really care for teams either way, I'm not a huge football fan, I don't talk football... and maybe that was why it came across even worse than it was ever intended. All I can do is apologize and move on, and give her the space she needs.

The other was an accident, pure and simple. Because of it, I will never do a cooking center by myself again. My assistant was out proctoring, I had a cooking center going with the toaster oven and pumpkin seeds. My third group, a boy brushed his arm up against the oven, even though I'd told them it was hot and could have hurt them. He said he hadn't been looking. The odd thing is, he didn't cry out, didn't yell, he just said "I'm burned" I took one look at his arm, and there was a small patch of skin pulled off, like peel on an apple. The flesh was pink underneath. Immediately I got him over to the sink to put cold water on it. Just then, another boy's tower of blocks falls on his own hand, and he starts crying. So I'm in the room by myself with 25 students, one is burned, and one is crying and his hand is hurt. I was seriously hoping it wasn't broken. And it wasn't. I got a teacher in the other room to come to mine, and took the kids to the nurse. Both got ice, and I did my best to contact the parents of the boy who was burned. I did talk to the mom finally that afternoon, and I felt like there was nothign good I could say. She wasn't mad at me, I think she knew I had had the best of intentions.

All the same, it's a day I wish I could get a do-over for.

Wednesday morning

You know one of the things I miss about not having a man in my life? :P I *always* have to take out the garbage lol. Maybe that's a stereotypical statement, but there it is.

I've had my shower. I'll let you in on a lil secret.... I'm.... a shower sitter!!! Yes, I turn on the shower, get it going full blast, and then I sit down in the tub and let the water cascade over me. Especially nice for a morning like this, where I went to bed with a stiff neck.

Why is it that my outlook on the whole day can start just by knowing what I'm going to wear or not? Days I know what to wear to work are days I feel more put together. If I'm scrambling to find something clean, something comfy, the day seems more jumbled and less organized?

I had a parent conference yesterday afterschool. It made me think. I'm introspective by nature when it comes to my teaching, and this parent made me think about a couple of things. One, is that she asked about her son. Her son is a bright, smart, creative guy. Sensitive, he's quiet and bothers hardly anyone. With 25 kids, am I'm doing the best of my ability to make sure *all* students are reaching the best of their potential?

Am I just waiting until 6 or 7 kids are moved from my room to the new teacher's room? Is that a justifiable reason? And then there's the uneasiness I feel about making kindergarten less kid friendly... and by that I mean, kindergarten isn't the way it was when I started teaching in 1998. It's not like it was when you or I were in kindergarten. Children are now expected to come out of kindergarten reading and writing. There's less and less time for arts and crafts, hands on cooking, a love of science and exploration at the child's own pace. I guess with all the new standards coming about in our schools, I feel like I'm just barely treading water to keep up with it all when what I want is to be SUPER TEACHER and have all these great little centers that kids can go and imagine, explore, and make discoveries in.

Sigh.

Boob a Thon

http://www.boobiethon.com/

The 5th annual Blogger Boobie-a-thon for Breast Cancer.

The main page is work safe. I donated a photo of mine :P

Almost Friday!

The weather here today was sunny and breezy. A slight chill in the morning air, has given way to 78-80 degree weather this afternoon. Currently we have rainstorms passing through. The kind that whip up the wind and leaves ... cleaning the air and the trees and the streets :). Only a stray leaf or two here have turned yet. But we had a fire drill today and before we went back in, I took the moment for impromptu science and pointed out the leaves, noting our beginning journey into the fall season.

One Indian boy came late to school today. His mother brought him... and a pail for him to vomit in should he get sick. We were like uh... if you think he's gonna need that, take him home. Then she's all no no no, he won't be sick. Well, all morning he walked like he was in a daze. He had about 3 layers of clothes on and complained of feeling cold. His forehead was hot. So, at lunch I took him to the nurse's office. Soon as he got the thermometer in his mouth, he threw up. Sigh. The mom came to pick him up. The other was an Indian girl, who was sick outside during recess. She got it all over her clothes. I gave her a spare set and we called mom, but whoever answered didn't understand English, hung up, and then wouldn't answer the phone again.

I sprayed my room VERY well with Lysol today. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday.

Iw as talking with someone about finding the "One" to share a life with. I think there are many Ones. Like, that people come in all colors (personality, not race) and each person is a good fit within a certain spectrum. Some are a closer fit than others. Some people are in our life for us to learn from. I personally believe in the possibility of more than one life, more than one go around, and of meeting people in this life that you knew from before. I was raised Methodist, but my mom laments that I'm not attending a "purely Christian" church, choosing a Unitarian one instead.

I have simple goals for my life. I want to grow old with a home in the community in which I teach. I want to be the kind of teacher who's students come back years later and bring their own children to trick or treat at her house. I want to travel. I want to see Scotland, England, Ireland, Italy. There's an ashram in India I want to visit. I want to play in the waves off the coast of Sydney, Australia. I want to see and do and experience all the multicolored joys that life has to offer. Hopefully, I'll find a best friend and mate to share that with. For now, if I don't... that's ok :)

Melancholy Clouds

My weekend's been odd. A bit melancholy perhaps. Yesterday an hour before my roommate's birthday party I was told that her friends had had henna done once for free and didn't want to get it done that night. Plus also, although she'd thought in the beginning that a lot of people were going to be there, now it looked like just her friends and maybe 1 more.

So part of me feels like the large batch of henna I made up last week, and put in the freezer for this, is now going to go to waste. Created henna only has a certain shelf life. I made enough for 3 cones worth, having been told there'd be a lot of people there, and they'd love the henna, and I could make some money. I felt like there'd been a large buildup and now at the last moment things had changed. To be fair, it never was a "henna party". It always was a birthday party.

So I went. And it wasn't comfortable.... I felt out of my element. Not because I didn't know people much aside from my new roommate (whom I've known a month) but because they *all* knew each other, and had shared experiences together, and (except for one girl that arrived late, they were all from the Ukraine or their parents had come from there. So when they told a Russian joke, in English, they all got it, and I didn't. They shared pics of their daytrip to the Savannah beach, spoke much on education and grantwriting and funding, and of South America (where the other guest was from).

Add to this mix, the fact that they are mid 20s to 30. Maybe I was feeling old. I just didn't mesh with the giggling bikini clad ladies depicted in the photos. They also seemed to get inebriated easily. My roommate was pretty gone last night, but then again I knew she needed that what with all the stress she's had. I left when they spoke of going clubbing in Buckhead. If it had been a group I'd meshed with, and was enjoying, I think I would have gone. Sigh. My roomie is so up and down and up and down, and in crisis mode all the time. I knew this instinctively when I interviewed her. That there would be drama somehow. The good thing is however, that so far it's not been drama about the apt, or rent or whatever. And, since I never see her during the week, the only time I hear about it is on weekends.

Ok, so today I wake up and even though it's cloudy I get myself out the door and over to Stone Mountain for the Japan Fest. I get there before it opens, and have the happy coincidence of receiving a free ticket. Ok, I had to pursue the lady and ask about it... but darnit, she started with the people right in front of me, like I wasn't there. By this time, I'm sure images of a wild-eyed Noel, purse in hand, ready to bonk the lady are going through your head, but there was no such entertainment. :D

Walking around the park, the air slightly muggy, the sky overcast, I felt a sense of foreignness that surprised me. Which, I suppose should not have. I think it comes from having been so immersed recently in hindi culture and language and attire. It was a mental exercise for me to reach back and bring out my oral abilities, but I was glad they hadn't disappeared altogether. I tried on a yukatta or two, and a hapi coat, but they didn't have much that would fit me. I guess I should have gone yesterday when they first had all their wares out. Then the skies opened up, and the rain came down. A young man I was speaking with started to pack up, telling me that the forecast was for an even heavier downpour after this one. I got my sushi bento from the improvised foodcourt and headed back to my car, umbrella above me like a multicolored flower, catching the raindrops.

It was too early to go home, so I went to the local mall and saw Jet Li's Fearless. Excellent movie... great action, superb choreography, good story. And now I've returned home and am relaying all of this to you. Hope it wasn't too long, I just needed to get it all out. Maybe if I sleep the melancholy clouds will drift away.

What a Week

I wrote this yesterday in an email to a friend. I realized it would also qualify as a blog entry.
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I have 24 kids in my class. Yesterday 4 were absent, but today all 24 were there. It was LOUD.

I blew up (my words) at about 5 girls that were all standing in the bathroom hallway (that connects the 2 K rooms) pushing and shoving and peeking in on a girl using it, and playing around in general.

I told them in no uncertain terms I was sick and tired of them playing around, acting as though they didn't know how to be in kindergarten. We'd been in kindergarten for 22 days, and they knew better. My voice got softer, but still mean (ie, through clenched teeth) about how dare they create such noice when right over there was another kindergarten room. How dare they disturb them. I made them stand in my room, at the door to the connecting hall and not go into the hall. I felt like I'd let my frustration at the situation bubble over into real feeling, rather than try to keep a calm cool head about it all. Not a great way to start the day. I had to instantly switch gears, and put on my happy face and sing the good morning song and pretend to feel ok even when I wasn't. Eventually I was though.

Blah. I have the PTA volleyball game tonight. I don't really want to go, but mostly because I know there's a mandatory 2 hour training meeting after work tomorrow. I mean, that's leaving school at 8pm, being back at 7am, and then.... not leaving till 5:30. Talk about worn out. And Thursday I have a committee meeting too. Sigh. Maybe next week will be quieter.

I'm really really looking forward to having the 3rd kindergarten teacher hired. That'll bring my class size down to 18 or so.
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To everything that's going on, add the fact that I've caught whatever chest crud's been going around. Maybe that's why it all seems so magnified.

Sigh

So I went to Jenny Craig yesterday, first time in 2 weeks. First time since I'd started working with my new class.

I've gained 3 lbs. I was really mad at myself. So did I go walk? no. Did I have a Huuuuuge salad? No. Steamed veggies? No. You get the picture. I did what any mad fat woman would do and I ordered a pizza. I sat in front of the TV watching Steve Irwin reruns (so sad, his death) and ate a lil over half of the thing. As I was eating, I started to remember all the really bad things I'd eaten in the last two weeks. Like potato chips, and dunkin donuts (even the holes aren't innocent!), alcohol at DragonCon. I started to realize maybe I shouldn't have been so surprised at the scale.

Up the Down Escalator

I have just had an enormously wonderful weekend. I feel recharged in my spirit, if not for a full tank, at least 3/4 of the way full.

I went to DragonCon downtown on Sunday and Monday. I sat and watched people for several hours Sunday. I think it's an unofficial sport of the con. Now, I wasn't a camera toting devotee looking for cleavage shots or X-Men sightings. I did have Peter Mayhew (of Chewbacca fame) walk right past me in the bar that night. He looks like a very tall, old Alice Cooper. He spent most of the evening out on the smoker's deck huddled in conversations with people.

So early Sunday afternoon, I'm sitting on the floor of the Mariott watching people come up the escalator from the dealer's room. All the world (or con) goes through an escalator if given enough time. Lots of costumes. Also, I don't know what is growing in the forests these days, but I saw several "well fed" faeries if you catch my drift. Now, I'm well-fed myself, but I'm not gonna prance around in a 2 piece with wings and ears and pass myself off as an ethereal creature of the forest. Tavern wench, sure. Faery- not in this lifetime. Here are some of the other costumes this year that I saw in passing:

Lots of Jedis- including 5 females (one in blue skin)
A female sith jedi from the animated series- she was bald with white skin makeup-Absolutely Rocked!
Lots of pirates- including one that had a perfect Johnny Depp walk, but only a hat and hair for costume (his other clothes were mundane you pervs), Another Capt. Jack Sparrow that carried around a large jar of dirt
Oddest costume-mundane guy with a fancy green Easter type hat.
Most original costume-woman with a cardboard box for a top, and she'd drawn on it with a black sharpie to look like a large kitchen appliance used for baking. She was pregnant, and so had a rectangle cut out partially in the front, to expose her belly. Said belly was smeared with some brown goop. It wasn't till a friend said it that I realized what she was dressed as: a "Bun in the Oven"
Lots of Cosplay from anime I didn't recognize
Browncoats / Serenity- including a doc with a sign that said "I Let Wash Die"
Beauty and the Beast
Cardboard stormtroopers: these guys were some funny shit
Regular Stormtroopers
Imperial guards / Imperial Coroner
Nosferatu- bald, ears, eye contacts, fake teeth- this guy would give me nightmares
Boba Fett
Princess Leias- 3 with buns, 2 slaves, and one bounty hunter
Xmen classic version group- yellow and blue suits on Wolverine, et all
Xmen new style (both groups got together for pics Sunday morning)
Stargate uniforms- SG-1 and Atlantis
Classic BattleStar Galactica
lots of anime Ninjas
Lots of psuedo asian outfits with samurai swords
1 knight in shining armor
1 roman soldier in shining armor
several renfair outfits- male and female
a few cross dressers - including Ed Woods
Mario Bros
Electra Woman and Dyna Girl
Supergirls
Spidermen
Lex Luthor in a huge green suit
Jack Skellington (awesome costume with stilts) and Sally
Fat Cyclops
Star Trek- old and new
cheerleader with large red phallic lollipop
lots of belly dancers-unknown if they really could dance
furries
Klingon Heads- that's right... just the headpiece with forehead and hair...ugh
Grandma Goth and her 2 black faery grandgirls
Goths and goths and more goths
Piercings to the extreme- like 10 all around the mouth and nose
Men in Kilts - drooool. There is no such thing an unsexy man in a kilt


Which leads me to my next theory. After seeing so many men in kilts this weekend, in "utilikilts", I believe that a kilt is a normal man's freak flag. For a woman it may be a corset, for a guy it's a kilt. By freak flag, I mean a way to show the world that even though you're a typical normal guy, or lower order of geek (unlike the higher orders that come as stormtroopers) you still have a part of you that likes to be different. Ladies, let me tell you... there is no such thing as an unsexy man in a kilt. It doesn't matter how scrawny or fat the dude is... if he's got a kilt on, he goes up several points in the attractive scale. Now why is that?

And one more thing: What is the deal with parents who bring their babies or young children to the con? There are things at a con that are not suitable for young children. At the risk of offending readers here, I just want to say- if you have a baby, either get a babysitter or become responsible and stop attending conventions! And the other thing, what will these children of geeks and freaks grow up to rebel against? Will they end up stockbrokers and yuppie accountants that eschew tattoos and piercings and gothness and imagination? Are we setting ourselves up for the next really boring generation?

Late Sunday afternoon I spent a few hours in the art room. There was a wonderful lady there by the name of Haven who was doing Mehndi art. Being a newbie mehndi artist, I took notes on everything she used, how much she charged, and asked lots of questions about how she got her start. I even got my right palm done, and went back the next day for the other hand. It was here I discovered what I'd been missing since the start of school- an artistic outlet that would feed my soul.

I'd been feeling drained- physically and spiritually. My cup was dry. Visiting Haven's carpet and pillows and watching her work, brought back to me how much joy I had when I was doing Mehndi this summer. I was inspired, and reminded that I could do this too, as a side venture. Take appointments, do parties, and so on. I love getting lost in the designs. It's like a different part of my brain gets flipped "on" that I don't use in my regular work week.

The best part of the weekend though happened serendipitiously. I was eating a $5 hamburger in the bar. I'd found a table with only 1 person sitting at it, and then they left. This guy comes up to me and asks if he and his 2 buddies can have the table when I'm done. I'm like, come on over now, we're all geeks here.

We spent several hours just chatting and drinking and talking about the con, life, TV shows, directors, and Iranian Films :P So John, Thomas, and Jason- if you read this- Thanks :D

Good Things

Good things are here this week. Last night I had the first PTA meeting and open house. I met parents of my students. I talked about the curriculum, classroom management, and letter books. No major concerns or hurdles came up. The night was done, and I came home.

Just knowing this, I was able to draw a deep breath of relaxation. I didn't realize I'd had that bit of stress about me, but it feels like sailing will be smooth from here on out. Tonight my new roommate begins to move her things in, and the stress I know I've been feeling financially will ease once again.

There's a long weekend ahead, which is always enjoyable. Things are good :)

A Nice Ending

The day has ended well. Better than well, actually.

I didn't pull any hair out at work (mine or others). I got paperwork done. I treated myself to a steak dinner. I realized that it had been some time since I'd really valued what I put into my body (not like that, pervs). When I ate my salad, my steak, my sweet potato with sugar and cinnamon, even my bread, I really appreciated all that went into making it. The live energy of plants, from the sun. The stored energy of the potato in the ground, the grain that made the bread, even yes, the life of the cow that probably is nowhere near as romantic a picture as I'd like to envision.

I came home after dinner to AC. YAY! I called roommate contestant #1, talked to her voicemail. I had reservations about how she changed the situation on me after I'd said yes to her. So I canceled the deal, and called roommate contestant #2. She was overjoyed to know she had a place to stay at the end of this week. Currently she's living on the couch of friends 2 buildings down.

That's where I've just returned from. Her and her 3 Russian/Eastern European friends :) We drank tea, and shared chocolates and talked of adventures abroad, and of languages. They were impressed that I could mumble a couple of phrases in Russian. It was a good time of community, and I look forward to more.

I have a new roommate :) I will have extra financial help. I will sleep well tonight.

Thank you for your thoughts and well wishes today. They helped.

Good Thoughts

Wish me luck and send me good thoughts today. I feel like I'm going to need it.

Grrrrrr

I am sooo frustrated and hot right now. And not in a good way. Several things all at once seem to lead to this.

#1 I've not had air conditioning in my apartment since Thursday. They'll come Monday (tomorrow) and fix it, as they say it's a half day job.

#2 I'm out of money till my next check on Thursday. I can't just go and spend a day at the movies this weekend and relax in popcorn scented AC.

#3 I'm trying to get a roommate, to help with situation #2. I interviewed 2 girls this weekend. First one is from India. I think it'd be cool to learn about her culture. Add to that, she's the first girl from her village to leave and go abroad for education, that she didn't stay and be a wife or mother, and I respect her. The 2nd, may stay only through December, and signed a rental app with someone else, doesn't know if should could get out of it. So I offered the room to contestant #1. She tells me tonight though, that she's got a friend coming from India and she has to help her. I'm like, so you want to get a place with her, and not with me? She's says she will know in a couple days. I'm like, I need to know by tomorrow night so that I can tell the other girl something. The best of possible worlds is I would get someone I can live with, who'd stay for a year. But not with the "lets let everyone move in" mentality. I have to have my boundaries, and I guess that's just one of them. I'd rather have a roommate for 3 months than open the floodgates for a lot of unknown people in "my" space. So now, I can't get any resolution to this till tomorrow night. And even then, a resolution may not occur. I could call the other girl, and she could still give me a day or 2 runaround.

#4 So now I'm thinking about all this for tomorrow. I should be thinking about my class. I should be working on a pamphlet to give to parents at the Open House Tuesday night. I feel like I'm going to go to work tomorrow all grouchy, automatically waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

#5 I've been sick for over a week. I'm on an antibiotic, but I'm calling my doc tomorrow for a decongestant for my ears. I'm tired of the congestion affecting my hearing. I'm tired of the corticosteroid I'm on, that helps decrease inflammation in my sinuses, because it increases my heart rate and gives me acid indigestion. And, not that you want to read this, but I think the antibiotic has given me a wicked yeast infection. So.. yeah.

Just Grrrrr.

Pluto is Fired!

http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/space/08/24/pluto.ap/index.html

Pluto is no longer officially a planet. I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's a major enough thing to me to blog about. Space has always been a subject of dinnertime discussions in my family. I grew up with books on astronauts to look at. When we moved to Florida in 1985, right near the Kennedy Space Center, it only became more so.

I've *taught* solar system subjects to 3rd graders before! Now... Pluto is out the window. Well, ok, it's been "reclassified" as a dwarf planet, but unless you live in Ironforge that's small consolation (geek joke). I can see the reasoning, that based on the criteria decided upon, Pluto doesn't make it as an official planet. It's just weird to think of our solar system with 8 planets, not 9.

It could be worse though. The extra celestial bodies out past Pluto could have made it in as planets also. Then we'd be dealing with Planet Xena and it's moon Gabrielle. No, that's not a joke. Michael Brown, from the California Institute of Technology discovered it and wanted to name it that. Somehow, that's just taking fandom a bit too far.

Memories of Me

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often or have never met in person, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad. (anonymous comments are allowed as well)

When you're finished, post this in your journal and see what people remember about you

A Case of the Mundays

Well, it's Monday. Munnday.... someone's got a case of the Mundays... (raises hand) it's me. Shock and surprise, I know.

I spent most of this weekend trying to get rid of a head cold. My first of the new school year. I'm congested and sneezy. I slept, watched Dvds, drank lots of liquids.

I did have a lunch date on Saturday, before I got to feeling poorly. I'll call him Mr. Writer, and he's a bohemian laid back sort of guy. Not a hippy, more like an artsy writer you'd find in Soho. He's also a gamer, and has played WoW on a different server from me. Not that he plays much anymore, nor do I.

I really like being with him. He's artsy, creative, funny... and of course, he digs my sexiness. We have a really good chemistry together, uncanny even. Who knows, we were prolly together in a previous life :P

Sigh. I don't want to go to school today, but I can't bear the thought of my 23 kids with a sub and my para. I'm going to the allergist this afternoon. Maybe he'd give me a prescription for amoxicillan to knock out my sinus infection.

bleh. Just bleh. It's Munnnday.

Pissed

I really, really hate being stood up. Last weekend I was supposed to meet someone, and they were honestly unavoidably detained. I wish I'd been called, but I understand when there's no cell coverage, and you can't help traffic jams. It doesn't feel great to have something you were looking forward to cancelled, but hey, shit happens.

Tonight however, got me really pissed. Different person, different situation. We're supposed to meet for a movie, I dress nice, do my hair, the whole nine yards. Movie time arrives, he's not here, no phone call. I call, thinking maybe there were wires crossed and he's waiting at the theatre. It rings, no answer. Twenty more minutes go by.

Now, last time he was late, he'd gotten turned around. So at 8pm I call again, this time he picks up. Is he on his way? No... He was down at his apt's pool drinking and chatting, lost track of time, and now is inebriated to boot. He tries to make jokes about it on the phone, and ends up asking me what I did all day. I'm like "well, I worked all day... I was with my class." Come to find out he fuckin' thinks it's Saturday cause he didn't work today. GAH.

What a fucker! What an asshole! I'm so pissed right now all I want to do is cuss up a storm and go hit something. I'm worth more than a subtext apology and an afterthought, dammit.

Day 2

Day 2 went much better than Day one. It still went pretty fast, was a lil disorganized, but that will straighten itself out as the cafeteria breakfast schedule becomes more routine. It's hard to start whole group activities and rules when a third of your class is still eating breakfast.

We went over rules and procedures, rules and procedures, and rules and procedures. We also played a whole group game with shapes in a bag where students would pull them out, and name the color and shape if they could. There were 4 shapes in there: a triangle, rectangle (two of the hardest to say and memorize), an oval and a diamond. Then we'd call color or shape, and see if each person knew which one they had and stand up with it. This is laying the groundwork for introducing small groups tomorrow. There will be 4 groups, denoted by a shape. Each shape-group have about 5 children (6 as we get more) in it.

Tomorrow the plan is to get the students used to identifying themselves with the shape and color (ie. orange oval, green triangle...etc). Our consequences board has a stop light on it. Each group will have a pocket with the shape on it. Each pocket contains laminated name strips of the people in that group. When a student does something they've been warned not to do, they have to go move their name from the shape pocket to the color pocket under the traffic light picture. First time is to green, next is to yellow, third is to red. Each color has varying degrees of consequence from a time out, to loss of part of recess, to call home or principal's office.

Eventually, the students will be in groups all day long. When we introduce center changing, each group will have to stay in their center for the full 15 minutes. They will have to get along with people in their group, even if a best friend is in a different group. They will have to use their own words to solve disputes and learn skills essential to independance.

Throughout the year, the members of each group will change. As well, new shapes will be introduced and old ones put away. In this way, students learn and review colors and shapes in an ongoing, meaningful way that has a direct correlation to their school day.

I Love The Smell of Diesel Fuel in the Afternoon

Wow.. what a day. The first day of school.

All in all, I can honestly call it a great day. No one pee'd themselves. No one threw up. No one cried till lunch time to go home. Everyone (knocks on wood) got home on the right bus.

These are the thoughts in my head as the buses revv up and get ready to motor through the neighborhoods, dropping off our new young apprentices.

I got to see old students today from last year, and boy, I missed them. Missed their smiling faces and hugs. I missed knowing what they were capable of, knowing what they were likely to do, knowing how they knew the routines. Whole new batch to break in, as it were.

Twenty kids showed up today. I had 23 on my roster. I get a new one tomorrow named Angel, so that makes 24. I think when I hit 27, that those numbers, combined with the other teacher, means the school can start to hire a new K teacher. I think we'll get there around labor day, to be honest.

One child spoke hindi, almost no English. She's a twin to her brother who was assigned to the other classroom. It was like breaking up two young loves to see them part and have the realization dawn on them that they wouldn't be together. And their anxiousness at bus time about where the other was, and would he/she get on the right bus.

Another girl was hispanic, spoke some English, and understood if you spoke to her directly (I think), but when it came time for whole group learning, she'd wander off, play with the counting beads, get out her notebook etc as if we were a montessori school. For good or bad, she shouldn't be there tomorrow. She was born in Mexico and needs to go to the International Center first to be tested and/or registered. I'll prolly see her again, but there's a chance I won't.

Mrs. Brown, my para and right hand, was much better about laying down the rules and enforcing em and getting the kids to learn routines. I felt like my head was full of "what comes next" for the day's agenda, and "do we have all the supplies separated from bookbags" and "how many do we still need to find their bus / way home?"

We didn't get any centers or activities finished, and I have to remind myself, that that's OK, and how it's supposed to be. We did a lot. We learned about the rules of the classroom. We practiced lunch and cafeteria, and restroom, and how to walk in the halls. We sang and jumped around. We went to PE, had a short recess made shorter by a shower. We learned where our cubbies are, the hand signs to make for wanting to go to the bathroom, and get a drink of water. We read 2 books about beginning school: Mrs. Bindergarten Gets Ready for Kindergarten, and The Kissing Hand.

stop me if I'm boring you :P

An End to Summer

Today is August 4th, 2006. Next Monday I start back at school full time. We'll have a week of meetings and classroom set up before the kids come on the 14th.

Summer satiated my appetite for many things. My soul was well fed by painting in my classroom. Moon, sun, trees, grass, snowflakes... all these and more adorn the walls. I finally have the classroom I've dreamed of. Ok, in my dreams it was larger certainly, but the creative beauty is there. I walk in and I feel relaxed.

I went camping this summer with my friends. What a great time. I dodged dating a control-freak guy from Kenya, and a Korean guy who needed to smile more. I learned a new level of friendship with the Hippy. I visited my parents, my brother Glenn, my high school friend Ryan, and the Dallas Crew. I traveled a lot and was more than ready to come home by the time it was over.

Most of all, I learned about me. I learned to enjoy what I have, be content and happy in who I am. To connect with my intuition and spirit in a way I'd been neglecting. I shall look back on these months as the summer I became whole again.

Some updates

I broke up with the Mr. Kenya. If you can call not wanting to see or talk to him after 3 dates, "breaking up". He was starting to creep me out with bad vibes of power plays and control issues. The last 2 letters of his name he wouldn't even tell me, tried to get me to kiss it out of him. No discernable address. He works for Bellsouth helping to lay cable, dig up cable etc... grunt work. The phone .. I have for him is a work phone.

I've not given him my address, nor brought him here, but that doesn't mean he couldn't look it up. He would call me every single fuckin day to "check up on" me. He gave me the corniest lines. The first date I felt mildly attracted to him, so I gave him 2 chances, but as there's nothing more there, and I just keep getting bad vibes from him, I tried to end it Sunday. Soon as I got off the phone with him he called right back and was like "You're just gonna give up on us??" sheeeeesh.

He's convinced that because I went on 3 dates with him there must be something there. I said no, there's hasn't been anything there since the 1st date. That one date got you 2 more to see if there would be. I didn't see anything to "try and save". I told him the calling all the time was annoying, and I talked more in emails anyway. I tried to be nice and say email me all you want, call me once a week. He knows I'm going out of town for 2 weeks, so I really really hope he'll just drop it.

I finally finished painting in my classroom! I'll post pics here once I figure out how. I also got my hair cut. I've been realizing that I feel really good. More than good, I feel whole. I think I'm finnally reaching the end of the "healing from divorce" tunnel. I realized that who I looked like on the outside, and how I felt on the inside didn't match up. I've had the long hair for 2 years now. So I got it cut. Pretty drastic, but it's short and bob-like, and sassy. I love it!

I had a first date tonight with a guy, that actually seems like someone I would know, rather than a "guy" to date, and figure out how to mesh lives and habits etc. I'll post more about him when I know him better.

OH... and I'm going to Florida for 2 weeks tomorrow. I should try to sleep, but my brain keeps goin'.

Eat, Crap, and Laugh

I wish I knew what was going on with my appetite. The past two days I seem to have had little to no control. Yesterday it was Olive Garden (yes, two full servings of yummy salad... part of the chicken scampi, and then 3 hours later, the rest of the chicken scampi in front of the World Cup). Today it was Chinese food. Now, I know that part of today was association and lack of good eating frequently. Meaning... I ate breakfast about 8am, and didn't eat again till I was starving at 3:00. The association comes in because I was painting in my classroom (will post pics when they're done) with materials borrowed from a class parent. Said parent loves Chinese food, and invited me over twice in the past year... yep, for Chinese. I had crab rangoon, pot stickers, and mu-shuu pork. WTH am I thinking?? That it'll just melt off my thighs??

The other thing that's been weird, and not pleasant, is that the past week and half I've had the runs off and on. Like dry heaves but the other end. Anyway, I put it down to stress, as I've had an IBS occurance before, I'm just not sure what the stressor is. Bleh. Maybe it's that I have less than a month now till I go back to work. I actually had a dream the other night about it being the first day of school and I wasn't prepared, my room wasn't ready. Everything was a mess.

Sunday I had a weird thought that made me laugh. I actually thought, "There's too many men in my life." Saturday I knew that both Mr. Kenya and Mr. Korea would call me, and I knew I didn't want to hear the phone ring, I didn't want to talk to them, I didn't want to go out. I wanted a quiet day at home. So I was bad. I turned off the ringer, and turned the volume down to nill on the answering machine. Sunday I went out to a bookstore to get copies on Kerouac's Tristessa, and On the Road. I was delighted to be going out, alone, by myself... reveling in the freedom of doing whatever I wanted.

I've come 180 degrees from where I was last summer. Back then I remember pitying myself that I didn't have a guy all the time. Now I'm feeling just the opposite. Isn't life grand? Time does heal all wounds.

Friday

Mr. Kenya is buggin me. I don't let me guard down everytime he calls and compliments me on sexy this, or sexy that. He actually said today... "Did you get my Dvd?" I was like uh, no... what dvd. He says, "Oh, well then I'll have to come over there and perform in person." I laughed and at hokeyness of it and asked if that line usually worked on women.

He doesn't connect with me on an intellectual level. And since he feels money can buy happiness, I don't think we'd connect on a spiritual or emotional level.

I'll think I'll just not return his calls for a few days, but I know too that he unfortunately "likes a challenge". I'm just not up for talking to him every damn day and listening to his adorations. Am I crazy? Isn't this what a woman should want?

I guess I just don't feel they're genuine, or that I have much of a connection to him to reciprocate and get all mushy.

Mr. Mirror, Mr. Kenya, and Mr. Wolf

Well, I thought it time for an update.

Mr. Mirror and I are speaking again. We're friends, but I don't expect the level of relationship we had in the beginning. He's just not able to give that much. Or, as he puts it, he's "still fucked up".

I've gone on 2 dates now with Mr. Kenya. This is really the first time I've dated someone with dark skin, and I'm amazed to discover it doesn't matter to me with him. He lives way on the other side of town, and works 6 days a week doing phone/cable repair.

Let me describe Mr. Kenya. He has dark chocolate colored skin. He's tall, 6'1". He works out, and has a good physique. His smile shines beautifically and lights up his whole face. He's artistic, and admires creativity in others. He did make the statement early on to me, when he heard I was on Jenny Craig, that he hoped I would not lose my "curves". That he isn't into the Western ideal of beauty.

Mr. Kenya grew up in Nairobi, Kenya; his mother working for the U.N. He's used to being around uppercrust well to do people of all nationalities. He's also lived in London (has only a slight British accent) and has lived in Atlanta for the past nine years. He's 28, and seems to desire that which represents wealth and prosperity or status. He feels that having the nice car, good income, right clothes, is the way to get noticed by women. That "money can buy love" as he puts it. He and I disagree on this issue. That perhaps it can buy intense like, but what happens when the money goes away? He shrugged and said he hoped the woman would stay. Seems like a quite a different way of looking at things to me.

For a long time though, I kept him at an arm's length. I was suspicious, as it were. What was the *real* motive behind this African god's interest in me? He's very glib with the compliments. Very smooth. I'm not used to great looking men, who seem to have money and jobs, be in pursuit of me! This guy looks similar to Tyrese Gibson. Only after a recent conversation did it make sense to me. (yeah, sorry romantics... somewhere in my mind, there has to be a *logical* explanation). In his country, in his culture, it's easier for women to be skinny than to be plump. To be plump is a sign of wealth or power or prosperity. So my body type, is also an indicator of wealth. Somehow this makes more sense to me than just "I'm attracted to you and your shape" because he seemed so ... over the top to try and impress me. I mean, he paid for our coffees on the first date with a 50 dollar bill for crying out loud.

As Mr. Wolf puts it, I should "enjoy" this time, and just take things slow. Enjoy the fact that men want me, and desire me. It's not something I've had a lot of exposure to. Despite all that, I've no idea what will happen, if anything. I enjoy his wit, but at my core, I'm not attracted to a pursuit of money and wealth for it's own sake.

Yes, I did talk to Mr. Wolf recently. He's doing well and is still dating Ms. Italy. I wish him well to be honest. For once, during the time of our friendship, I really hear him being happy in his personal life. Good for him.

The summer is about half over for me. The thought makes me stress a little. It shouldn't, I know. In 2 weeks I'll be heading down to FL to see my parents and friends. Then I'll fly from Orlando to Dallas and back again to see friends there in TX. God I love the Texas group :) Great people, and good times.

Savoring

My thought for the day:

"...savor everything. Enjoy whatever God gives you, as much as He gives you, however He gives it, and wherever He gives it. Use whatever you have for the benefit of the world. Rest peacefully in the realization that you have exactly as much as God wants you to have right now. You are in exactly the place and exactly the position where He wants you. Do not let your life go to waste always thinking, "If only I had that, then I would be happy." Wherever God is, that is where true richness is. "
- Pujya Swamiji

I found this thought to be very reassuring today. I am blessed to have a roommate at this time, a friend who was in need of a place to stay temporarily. By renting out my other room, God has given me the means to get ahead of some of my bills. To pay off the ones I've been behind on.

I have many things, many possessions. This is not a bad thing of itself, but I need to see and realize the plenty that I am blessed with, and be thankful for it. Many times I am too concerned with "the next thing" I want.

I have a roof over my head,
cool air on hot days,
food in the pantry.

I have friends who laugh with me,
students who love me,
and room-parents that respect me.

I have my own mom and dad who are still alive and love me.
I have clothes to wear... too many perhaps.
I have my health.
I have a car, I have a job.
More than that,
I have a job that allows me to be free 2 months of the year.

I am blessed indeed.

Movie Freedom

Last night I experienced one of my favorite joys of being single. I went to the movies. By myself.

I didn't have to wait on another person to be ready before I could go. I didn't have to ask and be nice about what he wanted to see. I went to what I wanted to see. I saw Superman Returns. I didn't get concessions. I sat where *I* wanted. I stayed till the end of the credits, and mused what to do next. I thought about seeing another movie.

I went to the food court and got dinner to go, took it back to the theatre (AMC's let you bring in your own food) and I bought a ticket to see Click. Sat where I wanted, and was even able to stretch out with the stadium seating and a raised armest. I love that. Like having a home theatre in your... home.

One of the points made in Click is that life isn't about skipping the experiences to get to a goal. It's about the experiences themselves. That made me think back to my post about my dental costs. I'd felt the urge to fast forward to a point when I wouldn't have huge bills to pay off anymore. But that's not the point. Life is about what you do along the way. There will always be huge bills, unexpected costs, and debt.

When I die, I'll take the good time and memories with me. My debts though, will get paid by life insurance :D I think I'll rack up the memories and enjoy freedoms while I can, without worrying so much about the money.

It cost how much?

Have you ever gotten a dental statement as to how much something was, and had your eyes suddenly bug out like you were in a Saturday morning cartoon? I just got a statement from my insurance company stating that the crowns I got are not covered by my policy. They were $990.00 each!!

So after a moment of panic, I called my mom to get advice. She recommended getting the details about my policy and finding out the why. Also, she said sometimes it takes more than one time submitting for a a company to pay. This sounds like a pretty inefficient way to run a company, is it really true?

So now I have what amounts to car payments again, only it's the valuables in my mouth. Sigh. Does grasping at money, trying to hold on to money, make the universal karmic energy so that you keep losing more money? Cause right about now it sure feels like it.

Blah.

Eeeek!

So I got a letter today from my bank. It stated that such and such account was now closed due to lack of funds and unpaid charges.

WTF? My heart started racing. Right away I'm thinking is this my checking account, wondering if someone got my info and took money out, or if I had very much overestimated the amount left in there. There should have been at least $200.00 by this, the last week of June by my reckoning. Damn I can't wait to get paid, let me tell you.

So right away I go over to the bank, take the letter. My heart is pounding. I'm already thinking of who I have to call and ask them to hold off on cashing a check. I'm thinking of the game subscription I have and how I better cancel that so as not to keep getting charges for that too. I'm thinking "How the hell did this happen?". I'm wondering how I'll get out of it. I'm grateful for the $400 I have in a savings account that should be at least able to save my ass.

I get to the bank, heart pounding. I go up and explain to the lady that I got this letter, and I think there's been some trouble. I tell her I'm sure it's sposed to be incorrect and can I get a printout of withdrawals and debits to see if I recognize all of them (yeah, I know that's what bank statements are for). She pulls up the information, does a couple of printouts, but (to my eyes) 1 page in no way has all the info I'm looking for. Inside I'm dreading her saying that I'd have to refer to my bank statements.

Well get this. Turns out the account isn't for my checking. It's for a money market account I FUCKING CLOSED last April so I could pay my taxes!! Oops! Bank error, it wasn't really closed. They'd been fining the crap out of an account with a 0 balance and had just now written to tell me that they were closing it and I owed em $124.00. Now obviously, this isn't my fault. It's a bank screwup. The lady turns to a man working to ask some questions, he looks at the puter, and they speak back and forth to each other in banker talk about GL and debits and departments. She gets on phone to the department the letter came from, and finds out what she needs to do to FUCKING CLOSE THE ACCOUNT correctly and make the $124.00 owed disappear.

So I sat there for 40 minutes, calming down, elated inside that my financial life wasn't flashing before my eyes. But somehow I was also thinking "why the hell don't they offer something more when they screw up?" I mean seriously... The bank makes a mistake that costs you to re-evaluate your life, your income, who would've had access to your info, and who you have to contact to keep it from getting worse (not to mention count the days to your next paycheck) and they should offer you something to keep your business.... like, a house. Why should it be enough that they fix the damn error?

"We're so sorry we screwed up, please accept this house on our behalf and we hope you will keep banking with us."

Back From Camp

How do I put into words one of the coolest vacations I get to take each year?

Maybe I should start by writing what it is not. It is not a tour of theme parks or monuments (although some of the guys would joke that it could be hehe). It is not an air conditioned hotel with room service and cable tv. It is not a bug-free, carpeted, posh place with comfy chairs and sofas.

It is a place of sun, rain, heat, cold, and dew soaked tents. Port-a-potty at night, public restrooms during the day. River canoeing, complete with underwater trees, gravel beds, snakes, great blue herons, bald eagle, and multiple strained muscles and bruises from overturning. A serene quiet so all embracing as to be sacred. Horseback riding; dusty strong horses, horseflies, horse shit, quiet trails through woods and meadows. Aching thighs, sunburnt arms. Picnic benches: unyielding wood, sore butts. Camping chairs, gravel roads, itchy grass.

All these things help to describe a place that is 15 minutes from the nearest civilized gas station with quickie mart. Little to no cell phone coverage (thank god), and certainly no Wi-Fi.

None of these things though, describe the people. It's the people that make this trip special. Imagine a place where you have 20-60 of the coolest people you'd ever want to meet, who all come from very diverse backgrounds, but share a passion for gaming, a trend for geekness, and a penchant for beer (or jaeger, or vodka, or what have you).

This is a time when we get to be ourselves. We don't censor what we say or how we say it. Plenty of hugs, gropes, innuendo, and laughter. Acceptance. Beautiful men who cook: from venison salami or burgers, to fajitas grilled on a real grill, hotdogs, sandwiches. It is a time of plenty. Plenty of food for the stomach, laughter for the soul, candy for the eyes. There is no better appetizer than the smell of charcoal smoldering in anticipation. Strong women who flirt, flash, and will spank if you ask.

This is a time of freedom. Four days without cell phones, internet connections, responsibilities to jobs or children or school. Thoughts of our everyday mundane lives do not need to be tended to. It is a time without the noise and distractions of modern life. No TVs blaring CNN or the latest "infotainment" report about the latest celebrity anorexic. Music, oh... there is sweet music. iPods of all sizes and colors. Better by far however, are the jam sessions of guitarists, singing everything from Pink Floyd to "Baby Got Back". Men who can happily converse in the leet terms of the gaming world, the geek vocabulary of networks and routers, yet still have such depth of talent to either play guitar or sing.

Time to connect, to energize the spirit. To feed that voice that begs for overindulgence of alcohol, or friendly gropes and backrubs. And as the weekend winds down, and we all stand around a dwindling campsite, a time to appreciate the modern comforts we'll return to: a soft bed, a shower (with unlimited hot water), a bubble bath, and cool air on a hot day.

I am tired, I am bruised, I am slowly re-hydrating myself. I have mosquito bites, but luckily no sunburns.

I cannot wait to go again.

Wheeeee!

I am soon to leave for Camp :D The annual pilgrimage to America's Heartland to suffer in 90 degree weather. And drink beer. And laugh, drink beer, canoe, drink beer, play cards, drink beer, massage, drink mixed drinks, swim, rehydrate. No updates from me for quite some time while I'm gone :D

Things are going better with my new roommate. I'm adjusting, and it's actually been good for me to have someone around to talk to. We've even shared some recipes hehe.

I feel as though I probably won't hear from Mr. Mirror again. He didn't have time for me, or wouldn't make time for me last week, and I wrote a scathing letter. Soon as I hit send I regretted it. I knew he wouldn't get it until this week, and it's still been bothering me. So I called while he was at class today and left an apology on his answering machine. He may not forgive me, but it was something I had to say to him before I got on my plane tomorrow. Everytime a plane I'm on takes off, I make peace with my life. Cause you never know, y'know?

I really regret things didn't go better with Mr. Mirror. That he had emotional baggage. That I acted from anger without thinking. That he doesn't have time for me, and doesn't appear to want to. I keep reminding myself the cliche of "it's his loss"... but damn, he was a great kisser. We could have had some awesome sex.

Near Miss With a Psychotic

So I forgot to tell you I had a near miss with a psycho, or a drug addict. Remember Mr. Indian dude? Last week I'd sent him a message about the Czech World Cup team getting beat by Ghana, cause he'd written some AI program that predicted Czech and Brazil would be in the semi-finals. So that night, about 9:12 he writes a reply, pretty normal. Then at 10:44pm, he writes another reply. But then at 11:11pm he kinda spazzes and writes:

aaa bbb ccc ddd jhjhhkhh
nbbbmb ggggg guguig hlllk hiohioi
nknknkknkc j j kl lkv v//, .,/ k,';v';n'; v;jfiibo
behaving like a 5 year jhhkjhkk

I write back asking "uh, you ok?" He responds:

i am crying like a baby, banging my head against door, whipping myself , tearing my clothes and screaming

Thinking he was jokingly upset that I hadn't liked him, I write back "Awww it's ok hon, don't cry. Somewhere you'll find a woman as sexy and interested in hindi things as I am. It'll be ok :) " Now, he had joked to extremes before, so I had no grounds to think he was really distraught. Then he floors me with this:

i want you.
i want food,
i am hungry.
i want coke.
i want cadillac.
i want everything.
i want to see you.
I will increase my age this time you come. I will walk with a stick and tremble.
i like your interest in indian stuff and you are cute.
you must see uma thurman's "prime".
37 year old thurman dates and passionately loves a 23 year old guy after getting divorced.
i want that too and i also want uma thurman with you, threesome !!!

uh dude... WTF? Not gonna happen. I shouldn't have written him back, but I did, saying just that. Wasn't gonna happen. He writes back:

i know..uma thurman will reject that...she won't like me to share with you !!!!
i am upset, you were mean to me. you didnt come into my house.
again, i have started crying and now i am rolling on carpet and taking my clothes off.
da da da da puh puh puh tim tim tim tim kip tip sip dip

At this point, I logged for the night. I am completely blown away by how insane this dude is, and ever so glad I *didn't* enter that apartment with him. Geezus. Next morning I see this from 12:49am:

xbnbxb bbabjb bxankjn jnjx lknxnx lahxihx nxjnxn
teacher, teacher:
how do you control a 3 year old like me without spanking?

I took him off my friends list at MySpace, and never sent him another message. Maybe he was on drugs, maybe I am just that sexy. Naw... he must've been on drugs.

Dreams

I had weird crazy dreams last night. Not wierd as in midgets and jello with a donkey, but weird like the kind of dreams I haven't had for years. Stress dreams about teaching.

I dreamt that I was back in school, teaching. A bunch of us teachers were sitting around and this one guy was making a derisive comment about lack of planning and organization in my grade level. I got steamed because we did have planning meetings that he never ever came to, so I yelled at him about that. Everyone's reactions was like "whoa, stop yelling, take a chill pill". That's not what they said, but you get the idea. I felt awful about the overreaction.

Then other things started happening. I wasn't teaching kindergarten, but 3rd grade again. It was the last day of school, and I got a brand new student. Only I didn't know I was getting a new student until he was actually there and I asked him what he was doing there. Boy did I look stupid. Then the lunch that they served in the rooms, there wasn't enough to go around. Most pieces had names attached to the ones that ordered them, but there were like 4 or 5 that didn't have names, creating chaos for the ones that didn't have any lunch.

There were end of year planned activities that I didn't know anything about until it was time for them. And then, after all the kids were gone for the year, someone pointed out to me that we'd never cleaned out the desks, and all the textbooks and erasers etc were still in there, unclaimed.

Sigh. The reocurring theme here seems to be of chaos and lack of order. I wonder if it has to do with me getting a new roommate all of a sudden. I didn't really expect him to move in yesterday like he did, when he just came up to look at the place, but brought everything with him. I also didn't expect that he wouldn't be able to pay his part of the rent until he got paid at the end of the month, when I'm having to pay for it ahead of time.

Ah well, adjustments all around it seems.

Too Young

Welp, Mr. Indiandude was too young. Not just agewise... but where-he-is-in-life wise. He's at an age where he loves to go out dancing and drinking when he's not studying. He's got a year till he finishes his Master's. He also had a habit of making jokes that included stereotypes. Not cool in my book. I think he needs some more exposure to African Americans before making sweeping statements about those being most of the homeless in his unviersity town (the 3 homeless I saw there were white), and that to hide something from an African American, you only had to put it in a book.

The trip there and back took at least an hour each way. Normally I wouldn't have made such a gesture. But we got along very well in emails and on phone. He made me laugh. The date itself lasted about an hour, as my parking meter had only that much time left on it. We had lunch at an Indian restaurant. What I thought would be a funny and informative session about the different foods of India turned out to just be a buffet. As he is yet without a car, I took him back to his place and declined his offer to go inside his apartment. Yeah, 23 is too young for me.

Jenny, and an Update

I went to Jenny Craig yesterday for my weekly consultation. I went in uncertain as to how my weigh in results would be. I knew I'd been as good as I could have been, given circumstances. I knew I'd worked my butt off in walking compared to before. But I didn't feel like I'd lost weight.

The results were more than I could have hoped for. I lost 3 lbs and 1 oz! This makes about 10 lbs since April 29th. Next week I'll get my measurements taken to see how they compare to the beginning. After my next visit, will be my greatest challenge.

I'm going camping with a ton of friends. There's always lots of food and alcohol. My downside will be the alcohol. I like to go with no limits placed upon myself except that I remember, and don't throw up hehe. This year will be the first year I attend thinking about caloric consumption.

An update in other areas of my life... Mr. Mirror has been steadily pulling away emotionally. I know that he has a lot of baggage with past relationships. That's his to deal with and learn from and grow from, lest he repeat them. I miss his openness, his communicativeness. I send emails and he doesn't respond. Sigh. ah well.

I have a first date today with a guy from India... we'll see how that works out.

Spicy Chicken Fetish?

I gave in tonight.

I was laying in bed trying to get to sleep. The 600 thread count sheets were no consolation. For some reason, all I could think about was a greasy Spicy Chicken sandwich and baked potato from Wendy's. I battled it. But it was like my brain was calling out for it. Besides, if I waited too long, the drive thru would be closed. Sigh.

So I got up, got dressed, went out to the Wendy's. As I drove away with my desired bag of grease and spice in the passenger seat, it hit me. I felt ashamed that I had to have my fix. I felt like a late night perv going to the sex toy store to get a fetish fix. Or rather, I wondered if that's what it felt like. At least I didn't get a frosty too.

So now I'm here, recounting my sin on the net for whoever may read. I may not get absolved, but I hope I can find a balance between eating right in the search to lose weight, versus not being ashamed when I'm weak.

Belief-o-Matic

http://beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html

Take a personality quiz about your spiritual and religious beliefs. I did, and was slightly surprised at the results. Here are my top 10:



1. Reform Judaism (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (89%)
3. Neo-Pagan (88%)
4. Sikhism (85%)
5. Liberal Quakers (84%)
6. Orthodox Judaism (78%)
7. Mahayana Buddhism (78%)
8. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (76%)
9. New Age (74%)
10. Bahá'í Faith (70%)

Time to Catch Up

Well it's been awhile since I've posted about what's going on in my life. I had a very busy weekend, and for a change, have something to write about! haha.

Friday night I went over to the home of parents of a girl I used to teach. Hrm... there should be an easier way to say that. I used to say "room parents" but then what do I say when I no longer teach their child? Anyway, we had thai chicken dishes and good conversation. Their daughter had been missing me... to the point where she didn't want her mom to say my name, or kindergarten, or "last day" cause it made her sad. When her mom asked what she should call me, the girl replied that she could call me by my first name, since she herself doesn't call me that. hehe. I took her a book of Junie B. Jones - the Personal Beeswax journal for her to write and read with this summer.

Saturday night I attended an AIDS benefit that was held at another ex-room parents' home (grins). The children were over at a friends house for the night, so it was just an adult gathering. For a $25 donation, we got $5k play money to spend at the poker and blackjack tables in the backyard. At the end of the night, we turned in the money for raffle tickets: each 1k = 1 raffle ticket. So I just turned in my 5k for 5 raffle tickets hehe. I'm bad at cards. Around 10:45pm the tickets were drawn for door prizes. While I didn't get the 2 free delta tickets to anywhere in contiguous US, I did get some cute golf gifts in an attractive basket. Too bad I don't play golf. The drinks were excellent, and I learned how to make a mojito for myself, rather than pissing off bartenders everywhere for the rest of my life by constantly requesting one. They also had a live band in the backyard, and a dessert bar in the dining room. I did not succeed in my attempt to resist the chocolate fondue fountain, nor the cute lil cubes of pound cake sitting next to the fountain... It was a lovely night... cool air, half moon, tiki torches, lighted tent-awnings, live music. Sigh. I got home about 11:30 from that.

Sunday morning I was up bright and early to go to the GA Renaissance Festival with a friend, to meet friends of his. We dressed up, and walked around looking for thing to purchase to add to our outfits. I bought a pink parasol that didn't go with my garb, but definitely kept the sun off my bosom. I also got tired of the strings to my pouch tangling so I bought a really nice leather belt-purse. I didn't get a turkey leg to eat, and never have. However, I wisely avoided the fajitas this year, and got a BBQ pork sandwich, and paid way too much for a tall beer container with a GA Ren Fest lanyard just so I could walk around the festival w/o having to hold the darn thing. Later that afternoon, I discovered that my raspberry slushie cup fit neatly into my cleavage. Kept me cool as well. Haha. All in all it was a great day.

Monday was... an extension of my weekend and not so great a day.

I went back to the dentist. Luckily for me though, Mr. Mirror had asked if he could drive me. So of course I said yes. He waited in the lobby for me, listening to tunes and reading. I was in the chair trying not to freak out too bad. There were times where I didn't succeed. Like the time they put a huge tray and wad of goop in my mouth to take an impression of a tooth. My chair was reclined, and I started to gag and I couldn't breathe. The drill itself I handled better than I thought I would. The kind my dentist has isn't as noisy as the ones I remember, and he's very precise and quick. Then instead of replacing the filling with more metal, they squeezed in some kind of plastic bonding agent and then stuck some kind of light / laser in there to dry it. Very quick, and quiet. They did this to an upper left molar, and to a lower right molar. Inbetween teeth I had to go out to the lobby and get some huge hugs from Mr. Mirror, who was so kind and reassuring me that I was alright, I was ok, and doing great. I cried heaps into his shoulder. The secretary felt bad, because last time there'd been mention of me getting a prescription for a valium or something, only no one told her, so she hadn't printed one out. They asked if I wanted to go and come back another day for the other tooth, and I said heck no! I was already numbed up on the other side, and I just wanted it over at that point. When they were done with both teeth, they stuck temporary crowns on. The left one is a bit higher than it should be, but I've almost gotten used to it. I couldn't tell too well with my mouth all numb. They gave me a prescription to take the night before and day of when I come back to get the permanent crowns on. They shouldn't have to numb me up then, and I think if I don't get numb, I'll be able to feel the fit better. My jaw is still way sore from the dentist. I feel like ... well, I feel more sore from it for longer, than I ever did from any of my boyfriends. I'll just put it that way.

Oh... and on Tuesday I went to Jenny Craig and found out how much damage I did overall this week. I gained 2lbs!! I knew I'd been eating out of control. Not just at the parties but in packing up the room, pizza before the AIDS benefit, beer at the ren fest... and of course, since I felt wayyy out of control, I topped it off with a mexican dinner and margarita the night before my weigh in.

Viva la FOOD!

Sigh. So now as penance I'm walking every single day this week. And I've started using the ankle weights I bought last week.

It Takes All Kinds

It takes all kinds to make the world go round. Usually this is a good thing, sometimes it's just weird.

Take for example a message I get on MySpace today. It comes from someone with no pic, no info about themselves other than that he's a 40 year old pisces in TN. It also had no subject in the header.

He writes:
do you mind someone being very blunt and honest?

I respond:
Coming from someone who has no photo, nor hardly information posted about themselves, that's a peculiar question.

He writes back:
well...i think you are so hot and i want you very badly...im 5-10 165 blk hr bl eyes...i can email a pic.

Seriously, is this supposed to work on gals? Am I supposed to just throw myself into his arms? Granted, at least he's typing his words out, albeit without capitalization. He must be typing one handed.

Mr. Mirror

So, dear reader. I know what you're thinking: "OMG, two posts in one day? wtf?" :D But I thought this deserved it's own post.

A very interesting man has entered my life. I shall call him Mr. Mirror, as we're both Pisces, and remarkably similar in many ways and habits. He reminds me of Mr. Wolf a lil, who was also a Pisces. Mr. Mirror can show me things about my spirit that cause me to pause and think, thank, and praise.

Mr. Mirror contacted me initially through a website community, though not a dating site. The email was short and to the point, introducing himself as a virtual and RL neighbor. He lives no more than 5 miles from me in fact. There was no... attempt to gain romantic favor. This wasn't a man on the make as it were. We struck up a genial email conversation. We shared humorous anecdotes, fears, past relationships and hopes and dreams.

During our first actual phone conversation, I asked to meet him that evening. I was tired of meeting men on the net, exchanging emails, then phone calls, then ... after a lot of time invested in these two things, meeting in person only to discover that there was no chemistry face to face for both people.

So we met, and after the initial shock and awe of "how does this person measure up / differentiate from the email persona" there was definitely chemistry. Coffee moved on to a dinner down the block, conversation, and the need to remember to breathe occasionally. A walk back to my car, long hug good night, and a kiss that totally caught me off guard, but that I liked.

Since that night a lil over 2 weeks ago, we've walked around neighborhoods, talked on picnic tables, and met for more coffee. Our second date he actually came to my school to meet me for a walk after a teacher function, which I consider quite brave of him. Not a lot of men would be willing to meet a lady's coworkers and friends and see where she taught at the beginning stages. He's pushed me on a park swing, asked me out for ice cream, and brought me flowers. He can be incredibly romantic.

In many ways, this... courtship, for lack of a better term, is a learning experience for both of us. This is the first time since high school I've actually dated someone. Dated someone near me geographically even. My ex-husband and I never even really dated, it was just "do you want to go do something?" I'm learning about my wants and desires when things are still very new, and there isn't a sense of knowing someone yet.

It's weird that I say that, because in many ways he and I feel familiar to each other. Like we've known each other for a long time. But, we are constantly learning the details of the other. The day to day nuances and behaviors and habits.

I'm learning to express myself better in person. I'm learning to stand my ground and my beliefs. Example, he's vegetarian, I'm not. I love eating meat (get your mind out of the gutter hehe). I respect his choice in food, in valuing the sacredness of life. But likewise we had a conversation where I stood my ground and asked him to respect my choices. I don't know that I'll ever get to the point where I choose for health or spiritual reasons to give up a good steak. I do know that to try and force my actions or choices would be to push me in the other direction. I rebel easily that way.

Yesterday I got angry at him for planning a movie date with someone else when he'd said he'd go walking with me. I don't begrudge him time spent with others. We're not attached at the hip and I'm not going to try and hold on to someone the way I tried with Mr. Wolf. But it was rude, if unintentional. Normally in the past I would have held my anger in, equating anger as a "bad" emotion. But this time I actually was able to express how I felt in an email. Granted, it should have been in person, or on the phone, but I'm a work in progress.

It's amazing the way stating my pissed-off-ness alleviated and dissipated much of the emotion. I'm learning a lot from dating Mr. Mirror, and I have just begun to scratch the surface.