Eureka!

Eureka! By Jove, I think I've got it~

I drove up to Helen today to visit the Habersham Winery. Yep, Georgia has a winery, and it's not half bad. My dad's partial to the Muscadine, and I like that as well as the Peach. He's paying me to bring a case home for the holidays.

Now, in case you don't know, Helen is in the middle of rural-almost-nowhere. This is not to be confused with the urban-middle-of-almost-nowhere, which is exactly where you don't want to be at 1:30am when your car breaks down. Not that Rural Middle is that much better, but you're more likely to get a wave and a smile before you're shot fer trespassin'.

Helen is known for the Alpine tourist attractions. Seriously, look it up. Outside of Helen in Nacoohatcheesomthin is the winery. It's about 50-60 minutes by interstate, and then 30-40 min of rural hwy after that. So I had a lot of time to think, which gets me back to my point.

I think I've figured out this Mr. Colorado thing.

I'm not attracted to him. Physically. Sure, it was just talking over webcam, but it honestly didn't make me want to see him in person. I was talking to him on the phone (err... he was talking to me... on and on and on) and after about 20 minutes yesterday I said welp, I gotta go. Have a great holiday. He stopped me and said it seemed like I'd put a wall up recently, and he didn't understand the change. Like I'd already made up my mind, and there was no room anymore for possibilities. I told him I'd think about that, and call him in a couple weeks, after the holidays.

It's true. I have decided, and I did put a wall up. In the beginning I was more interested in the idea of him more than the him himself. This is where mixed signals came in. I can't see myself being with this guy. He's hyper, he talks a ton and hardly lets me get a word in, and we'd prolly end up arguing all the time about religion. He wanted me to go find my bible this weekend and spend an hour in the word and let "the holy spirit fill me up". Sorry Charlie. I was raised Methodist, and I never learned/practiced about such things. I did hear about 'em later in life, but it's not my bag.

The biggest change in me though, came from seeing him over the webcam. Don't get me wrong girls, he's not hideous or anything. And the bald didn't throw me off, cause bald can be sexy. But the physical chemistry ain't there for me, and it has to be.

I discovered something else while driving. It is physically impossible to let someone into your heart when it is so completely filled by another man. Mr. Colorado never really had a chance. The past year I was spending copious amounts of time and energy looking for a special someone in my life, when he's already been there for years.

I love him not because he's the only guy to love me, or tell me great things about myself. I love him not because he's crazy about me. I love him not out of fear or desperation of never finding a love again. I love him for him, and for the way we are ourselves together. I love Mr. Wolf quite completely.

What a wonderful realization. Ain't life grand?

Flu?

Ok I got the flu shot in October.

I've had a general "crud" for 2 weeks. Nasal congestion, green snot and a dry cough.

Wednesday I went to hug one of my friends at work who'd been absent, only to then tell me he'd been home with the flu and still felt awful.

I finally went to the doc Friday. He says I have a sinus infection, and gives me an antibiotic for it called Ketek.

I woke up Saturday with a fever. I slept it off, took tylenol. Went to a friends gathering Saturday night (I know, I should have stayed home). I got back feeling achey again, took my temp and it was 100.3 I covered up, got comfy, slept and so on.

Today I am still running temps and sleeping a lot. My skin aches, my joints hurt, and I wake up with a searing headache. I'm not going to work tomorrow, I'm still taking my antibiotic, but it doesn't seem to help. I'm starting to think this isn't so much a reaction to the antibiotic, but that I have the flu??

Can I get the flu even if I had the shot? (and had no reaction to it) Will it be shorter?

Grr two more days of school left, and I can't believe I can't shake this or get better. I usually don't get high fevers, so it's the only way I know whatever's goin on is serious.

Any thoughts?

Tis the Season

Today was a good day, the kids had fun making Christmas crafts, and for awhile it felt like kindergarten again, rather than a pre-1st grade.

I spent an hour and a half at CVS this afternoon editing pics I'd taken with my digital camera, so that I could print 6 passport size photos of kids to a sheet of 4x6 photo paper. Tomorrow we'll cut them apart and place them in Christmas ornaments for the kids' parents.

I had dinner at my fav Mexican place, and had a marguerita with my dinner. I get home, get online, and who is there to want to video converse with me but Mr. Colorado. He emailed me today about Monster.com and jobs in his state. Now he wanted to talk to me just when I'm mellow and sleepy.

Somehow all I got was annoyed by him. He'd taken the day off, citing that he had so many things to do that he chose to do none of them, instead playing video games and writing and sleeping. This reminded me of my ex primarily, and I think that's why I got annoyed. Other than that, I think he's more into me at this point than I am into him. I didn't want to be rude, but he was saying how he wanted to see all sides of me, so I went ahead and let him see part of the grumpy-grouchy me. I figured to unleash it all on him would be to crush him completely, and I didn't feel like stepping on the tail of a puppy dog at that moment.

Tomorrow is the staff party after school. We'll exchange gifts, and let off some steam, at a Red Lobster since that's where we always seem to go for these things.

If you haven't seen it yet, go to http://foamy.libertech.net/noxmas.swf . It will make you smile. Language warning, if you're at work, but no offensive pics.

"Tis the season to shut the fuck up and stop being a whiny little bitch!"

A Better Monday

A good night's sleep can definitely help reshape thoughts and feelings into a more coherent whole.

I asked Trese today for some good prayer on behalf of what's going on. She basically said I need to be still, and stop hopping from date to date to date etc. I was still for 11 years with my ex husband, and didn't do a whole lot of hopping before then! Why should I be still now?

However, she did reinforce my feelings that I wanted my next relationship to have God in it. To be able, when things are at their bleakest, to go to God in prayer, and rely on Him for guidance as a couple, that is truly a wonderful gift.

There'd be nothing wrong in seeking a long term relationship with Mr. Wolf. However, in terms of not having God in a relationship, I've been there done that. I do want something better, something different.

Congestion Blues

So I went bowling with a friend today. Well, the bowling didn't happen because there was a tournament going on, so we went out to eat.

Right now I'm home and feeling blue. My head is congested and my eyes are all itchy. I just got off the phone with Mr. Wolf, which should make me feel all better, but it's part of my blueness.

I realized I'm crazy in love with Mr. Wolf, or at least that's what I feel at this moment. I feel like shit that I'm entertaining the notion of possibilities with Mr. Colorado. Wolf has been in my heart for so long, and we know each other so well.

I wish it was Mr. Wolf saying he wanted me to move, to be out there with him (I would, in a heartbeat). That it was Mr. Wolf that had the relationship with God. I feel very divided right now. I feel like in Mr. Colorado, I'm getting a lot of the self-assurance of knowing what he wants that Mr. Wolf doesn't show. Why can't there be an easy guide to relationships like there is for MMO's? Like a choice tree... if I choose this ... then these options open up to me when I get to level such and such. Or I could train this, and get these abilities in time.

Granted there's 10 years difference between Colorado and Wolf. Colorado's had a major relationship and a son and grown in ways that Wolf hasn't yet. Wolf has a steady job for the time being, though the industry being what it is, there's nothing to say it'd be gone in 3 or 5 years. Wolf's in warmth and sunshine, Colorado's in cold and the unknown. The kicker of course, is that Wolf is my best friend. I haven't been able to tell him any of this because I don't want to hurt him.

I feel very torn.

Mr. Colorado

A friend told me today that he misses it when I don't update my blog regularly. So today I am here to tell you about Mr. Colorado.

Mr. Colorado is funny, warm, sensitive Christian. He's a loving dad, and an all around hip guy. He used to be a DJ, and is a proliferous writer. I enjoy reading his short stories. He is also a gamer geek, an anime geek, a science fiction geek. For any that truly know me, he sounds like the perfect match to my geekness! So what's wrong with him?

Well, Mr. Colorado lives in, where else, Colorado! I am finally creating a place for myself and my career here in Georgia, I find the perfect guy, and he lives several states away! Not only that, it is very cold in the winter time in Colorado, something which does not thrill me very much.

How did we meet? I signed up on http://mmodating.com and he saw my ad. Apparently, I'm 9 and 1/2 out of the 10 things he's most looking for. Except of course... I don't live in Colorado! We talked in emails, over IM, and on the phone a lot. Usually when I talk to someone for the first time, or first couple of times, there's always some degree of uncomfortableness, or desire to impress. There wasn't any of that with him. It's really odd and a bit scary cause moving is not my favorite thing in the world. It's like we've known each other for longer than we have.

We're also both very low on money, and paying off credit card debt. The only saving grace for me is I don't have to pay child support since well, I don't have any children. Common sense in my brain tells me this is not a fortuitous outlook.

He's an adult with ADD, which I've also never experienced. Most of my experience has been with children with it. Due to lack of benefits and money, he's currently unmedicated, and I can tell sometimes how fast his thoughts go by how the conversation progresses.

So for those of you that pray, pray for me that I'd be open to whatever it is that God wants me to get out of this possible relationship....