I got to CVS this morning about 7:50, thinking I was way too early. I went back to the pharmacy to get my number for a flu shot, and lo and behold I was number 4! Three people had been there earlier than I was. I went to shop for awhile since I had lots of time. Then I sat down to journal some of the things that had been swirling round my head.
I spoke with Mr. Movie on the phone last night. He'd read my email, and said it'd made him sad. He said I did deserve someone special in my life.
Why do I feel such a need to have someone? Do I feel unlikeable unless someone first likes me? No.. I genuinely like the person that I am. I'm creative, witty, funny, sexy, intelligent, and cute. Is it just the lack of companionship? Possibly. Do I feel like I need to prove something to myself, or others? That somewhere in my mind, the fact of my ex-husband leaving me for someone else is a social stigma on me? Will "having" someone prove to me that there's nothing wrong with me? Or is it to prove it to others?
Why is it so hard for me to get over this? At the core of my being, I'm a giver. It's in my nature, it's what makes me a good teacher. I know in the last days of my marriage I wasn't giving. I was resentful, needing to feel loved and cared for by my husband. I wasn't getting that from him. I had started at my new school, took a night class for certification, in addition to water aerobics to try and work out stress and weight issues.
I acknowledge that I wasn't the best. I'd stopped cooking for him. He didn't want to eat my weightwatchers meals. I stopped making coffee for him in the mornings 'cause it was never the way he wanted it made. The man is a coffee snob. He spent $168.oo on a coffee grinder. He had to have filtered water, and the coffee beans had to be kept in the freezer. And of course the grinder had to be cleaned out after use. Heaven forbid I use tap water without filtering it first, or leave coffee dust in his grinder.
He'd ask me if we could spend money on expensive items: a new digital camera (when we had one) a full length leather trench coat ala Matrix or Van Helsing (he already had a leather bomber jacket). Then there were always computer upgrades, newer bigger TVs etc. I preferred that if we spent money on something like that, that we also put an equal amount in our savings for a house. I wanted to buy a home, have a family, be a teacher in my community and live there till a ripe old age.
But did he want that too? Or did he want to live forever like he was 27 (he's 38) and stay up late every night "raiding" in an online game and drinking? I wanted a responsible husband who didn't shirk going to work on time because he'd stayed up too late playing a computer game. Later I found out, of course, that the woman he left me for was one of our "friends" from the game. Would I have eventually come to the same decision that he did, to end the marriage?
It burned me that he didn't want to work on it, didn't want to go to counseling, wouldn't even talk to me other than to say "I want to start over."
I've been divorced over a year now, living alone almost 2 years. "Get over it," my head says. How long will this one event in my life shape so many thoughts? I'd been with him for 11 years, and I know I can't heal overnight.
I just want to know I'm on the right path. That I'm normal.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Ruminations at CVS
Posted by Raene at 12:25 PM
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2 comments:
745 is a bit early but then agian... you are an early riser...... Are you normal, of course you are. you are a dear sweet mature person and you shouldn't feel bad about having expecations from men... I do and I expect the best and when somone falls short ( Thomas mainly, I tell him)
I miss you Susan
f.y.i. who is mr movie??????
Normal? Hmm... it's hard to not say something there.... but really, do we WANT to be normal? It's so boring. Seriously though, hon, you ARE normal in that regard. It is perfectly normal and reasonable to feel the way you do. God knows I did after my divorce.
I'm creative, witty, funny, sexy, intelligent, and cute. Is it just the lack of companionship?
You're damn right you are!!!! And yes, I think that's exactly what it is, especially when you were with him for so long - you got used to that companionship.
That somewhere in my mind, the fact of my ex-husband leaving me for someone else is a social stigma on me? Will "having" someone prove to me that there's nothing wrong with me? Or is it to prove it to others?
Not any more it isn't a stigma. But I felt the exact same way. And I don't think "having" someone proves anything... but it just feels right when that's what we're accustomed to. Don't worry, nobody thinks less of you at all, most likely less of him, yes,.. but not of you.
I know in the last days of my marriage I wasn't giving. I was resentful, needing to feel loved and cared for by my husband.
Even people who are incredibly giving such as yourself need reciprocation. He wasn't giving that to you. You returned the favor. Notice you used the word "resentment"? That means you were returning his "favor" - a perfectly natural response. I felt bad I'd resented my ex as well,.. but after I thought about it, it made me mad she'd treated me in such a way as to elicit that resentment and distrust.
He didn't want to eat my weightwatchers meals.
Then he should've learned to cook!
I stopped making coffee for him in the mornings 'cause it was never the way he wanted it made. The man is a coffee snob. He spent $168.oo on a coffee grinder. He had to have filtered water, and the coffee beans had to be kept in the freezer. And of course the grinder had to be cleaned out after use. Heaven forbid I use tap water without filtering it first, or leave coffee dust in his grinder.
Good God!!!! I'd have left HIM for being such a coffee prick!
Don't worry hon, you're on the right track. You're thinking about what happened with reflection and that's a true sign of personal growth. Just remember that coping with the hard times in our lives is what makes us stronger (and more wise).
As far as the missing of companionship goes, your friend is absolutely right. Don't worry, a man that is perfect for you exists. For now, embrace us as your cheer squad. :) *HUGS* Much Love !!! *HUGS*
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