Eureka!

Eureka! By Jove, I think I've got it~

I drove up to Helen today to visit the Habersham Winery. Yep, Georgia has a winery, and it's not half bad. My dad's partial to the Muscadine, and I like that as well as the Peach. He's paying me to bring a case home for the holidays.

Now, in case you don't know, Helen is in the middle of rural-almost-nowhere. This is not to be confused with the urban-middle-of-almost-nowhere, which is exactly where you don't want to be at 1:30am when your car breaks down. Not that Rural Middle is that much better, but you're more likely to get a wave and a smile before you're shot fer trespassin'.

Helen is known for the Alpine tourist attractions. Seriously, look it up. Outside of Helen in Nacoohatcheesomthin is the winery. It's about 50-60 minutes by interstate, and then 30-40 min of rural hwy after that. So I had a lot of time to think, which gets me back to my point.

I think I've figured out this Mr. Colorado thing.

I'm not attracted to him. Physically. Sure, it was just talking over webcam, but it honestly didn't make me want to see him in person. I was talking to him on the phone (err... he was talking to me... on and on and on) and after about 20 minutes yesterday I said welp, I gotta go. Have a great holiday. He stopped me and said it seemed like I'd put a wall up recently, and he didn't understand the change. Like I'd already made up my mind, and there was no room anymore for possibilities. I told him I'd think about that, and call him in a couple weeks, after the holidays.

It's true. I have decided, and I did put a wall up. In the beginning I was more interested in the idea of him more than the him himself. This is where mixed signals came in. I can't see myself being with this guy. He's hyper, he talks a ton and hardly lets me get a word in, and we'd prolly end up arguing all the time about religion. He wanted me to go find my bible this weekend and spend an hour in the word and let "the holy spirit fill me up". Sorry Charlie. I was raised Methodist, and I never learned/practiced about such things. I did hear about 'em later in life, but it's not my bag.

The biggest change in me though, came from seeing him over the webcam. Don't get me wrong girls, he's not hideous or anything. And the bald didn't throw me off, cause bald can be sexy. But the physical chemistry ain't there for me, and it has to be.

I discovered something else while driving. It is physically impossible to let someone into your heart when it is so completely filled by another man. Mr. Colorado never really had a chance. The past year I was spending copious amounts of time and energy looking for a special someone in my life, when he's already been there for years.

I love him not because he's the only guy to love me, or tell me great things about myself. I love him not because he's crazy about me. I love him not out of fear or desperation of never finding a love again. I love him for him, and for the way we are ourselves together. I love Mr. Wolf quite completely.

What a wonderful realization. Ain't life grand?

Flu?

Ok I got the flu shot in October.

I've had a general "crud" for 2 weeks. Nasal congestion, green snot and a dry cough.

Wednesday I went to hug one of my friends at work who'd been absent, only to then tell me he'd been home with the flu and still felt awful.

I finally went to the doc Friday. He says I have a sinus infection, and gives me an antibiotic for it called Ketek.

I woke up Saturday with a fever. I slept it off, took tylenol. Went to a friends gathering Saturday night (I know, I should have stayed home). I got back feeling achey again, took my temp and it was 100.3 I covered up, got comfy, slept and so on.

Today I am still running temps and sleeping a lot. My skin aches, my joints hurt, and I wake up with a searing headache. I'm not going to work tomorrow, I'm still taking my antibiotic, but it doesn't seem to help. I'm starting to think this isn't so much a reaction to the antibiotic, but that I have the flu??

Can I get the flu even if I had the shot? (and had no reaction to it) Will it be shorter?

Grr two more days of school left, and I can't believe I can't shake this or get better. I usually don't get high fevers, so it's the only way I know whatever's goin on is serious.

Any thoughts?

Tis the Season

Today was a good day, the kids had fun making Christmas crafts, and for awhile it felt like kindergarten again, rather than a pre-1st grade.

I spent an hour and a half at CVS this afternoon editing pics I'd taken with my digital camera, so that I could print 6 passport size photos of kids to a sheet of 4x6 photo paper. Tomorrow we'll cut them apart and place them in Christmas ornaments for the kids' parents.

I had dinner at my fav Mexican place, and had a marguerita with my dinner. I get home, get online, and who is there to want to video converse with me but Mr. Colorado. He emailed me today about Monster.com and jobs in his state. Now he wanted to talk to me just when I'm mellow and sleepy.

Somehow all I got was annoyed by him. He'd taken the day off, citing that he had so many things to do that he chose to do none of them, instead playing video games and writing and sleeping. This reminded me of my ex primarily, and I think that's why I got annoyed. Other than that, I think he's more into me at this point than I am into him. I didn't want to be rude, but he was saying how he wanted to see all sides of me, so I went ahead and let him see part of the grumpy-grouchy me. I figured to unleash it all on him would be to crush him completely, and I didn't feel like stepping on the tail of a puppy dog at that moment.

Tomorrow is the staff party after school. We'll exchange gifts, and let off some steam, at a Red Lobster since that's where we always seem to go for these things.

If you haven't seen it yet, go to http://foamy.libertech.net/noxmas.swf . It will make you smile. Language warning, if you're at work, but no offensive pics.

"Tis the season to shut the fuck up and stop being a whiny little bitch!"

A Better Monday

A good night's sleep can definitely help reshape thoughts and feelings into a more coherent whole.

I asked Trese today for some good prayer on behalf of what's going on. She basically said I need to be still, and stop hopping from date to date to date etc. I was still for 11 years with my ex husband, and didn't do a whole lot of hopping before then! Why should I be still now?

However, she did reinforce my feelings that I wanted my next relationship to have God in it. To be able, when things are at their bleakest, to go to God in prayer, and rely on Him for guidance as a couple, that is truly a wonderful gift.

There'd be nothing wrong in seeking a long term relationship with Mr. Wolf. However, in terms of not having God in a relationship, I've been there done that. I do want something better, something different.

Congestion Blues

So I went bowling with a friend today. Well, the bowling didn't happen because there was a tournament going on, so we went out to eat.

Right now I'm home and feeling blue. My head is congested and my eyes are all itchy. I just got off the phone with Mr. Wolf, which should make me feel all better, but it's part of my blueness.

I realized I'm crazy in love with Mr. Wolf, or at least that's what I feel at this moment. I feel like shit that I'm entertaining the notion of possibilities with Mr. Colorado. Wolf has been in my heart for so long, and we know each other so well.

I wish it was Mr. Wolf saying he wanted me to move, to be out there with him (I would, in a heartbeat). That it was Mr. Wolf that had the relationship with God. I feel very divided right now. I feel like in Mr. Colorado, I'm getting a lot of the self-assurance of knowing what he wants that Mr. Wolf doesn't show. Why can't there be an easy guide to relationships like there is for MMO's? Like a choice tree... if I choose this ... then these options open up to me when I get to level such and such. Or I could train this, and get these abilities in time.

Granted there's 10 years difference between Colorado and Wolf. Colorado's had a major relationship and a son and grown in ways that Wolf hasn't yet. Wolf has a steady job for the time being, though the industry being what it is, there's nothing to say it'd be gone in 3 or 5 years. Wolf's in warmth and sunshine, Colorado's in cold and the unknown. The kicker of course, is that Wolf is my best friend. I haven't been able to tell him any of this because I don't want to hurt him.

I feel very torn.

Mr. Colorado

A friend told me today that he misses it when I don't update my blog regularly. So today I am here to tell you about Mr. Colorado.

Mr. Colorado is funny, warm, sensitive Christian. He's a loving dad, and an all around hip guy. He used to be a DJ, and is a proliferous writer. I enjoy reading his short stories. He is also a gamer geek, an anime geek, a science fiction geek. For any that truly know me, he sounds like the perfect match to my geekness! So what's wrong with him?

Well, Mr. Colorado lives in, where else, Colorado! I am finally creating a place for myself and my career here in Georgia, I find the perfect guy, and he lives several states away! Not only that, it is very cold in the winter time in Colorado, something which does not thrill me very much.

How did we meet? I signed up on http://mmodating.com and he saw my ad. Apparently, I'm 9 and 1/2 out of the 10 things he's most looking for. Except of course... I don't live in Colorado! We talked in emails, over IM, and on the phone a lot. Usually when I talk to someone for the first time, or first couple of times, there's always some degree of uncomfortableness, or desire to impress. There wasn't any of that with him. It's really odd and a bit scary cause moving is not my favorite thing in the world. It's like we've known each other for longer than we have.

We're also both very low on money, and paying off credit card debt. The only saving grace for me is I don't have to pay child support since well, I don't have any children. Common sense in my brain tells me this is not a fortuitous outlook.

He's an adult with ADD, which I've also never experienced. Most of my experience has been with children with it. Due to lack of benefits and money, he's currently unmedicated, and I can tell sometimes how fast his thoughts go by how the conversation progresses.

So for those of you that pray, pray for me that I'd be open to whatever it is that God wants me to get out of this possible relationship....

A Time of Thanks... and Black Olives

I haven't written for some time, and wanted to recap my Thanksgiving.

I drove down to Florida to spend the holiday with my folks. Pumpkin (my guinea pig) sat in her carrier next to me, happily munching hay. Time with the parental units was wonderful. Less stressful than Christmas, it was just me with the folks, not also my two brothers. My youngest brother lives with his now-wife (they got married in September) in Orlando, and my other brother lives in California.

The pool and patio screen had been replaced. Damaged by a hurricane, the old one had collapsed. The new one was shiny and white, with a pointed roof so that pine needles couldn't kamikaze into the screen and stay stuck.

Food was good of course: turkey, stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce, and black olives. Black olives? Yep. Every since I was a kid those big, pitted, black olives were a part of holiday dinners. As a kid I never thought to question, I was just glad to eat them off my fingers. Mom told me this year though, why she always includes the olives. She grew up on a farm in Oregon, and in a time when apparently olives were an expensive luxury item. Her mother only bought a can for Thanksgiving, and a can for Christmas. It was a gastronomic splurge, one of the few things they enjoyed that they didn't grow on their farm. Grandpa Ted always made his own wine, so wine or champagne has always been present at Thanksgiving as well.

Listening to coworkers today, it hit me how widely our menus vary by region for this holiday. In the South, turnip greens, sweet potato pie, ham, biscuits or cornbread, are staples. In the northeastern coastal section, oysters at Thanksgiving were popular. Growing up in the Mid-West, for our table it was always Turkey (ham was for Christmas), corn on the cob, dressing/stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, canned cranberry jelly that still had the can shape, yams with marshmellows baked on top (but not for a pie), and of course, Black Olives. Dessert was usually Mom's famous 6 egg, 1 cup of honey pumpkin pie. Sometimes we'd also have an apple pie if she'd been on a baking spree.

Thanksgiving and Christmas in Florida never feels like true fall/winter holidays, and I gleefully went to the beach the day after, soaking up sun and listening to the ocean.

An Apple a Day

I haven't been eating my apples. That must be it... I went to the doc today, and he said it's an acute sinusitis infection. No strep, no bronchitis. Guess that explains the killer sinus pain I've been feeling.

Good news is that I was 2 lbs less today than I was when I went last month. So even though I've got some short term gains, long term the news is still good.

Can one plead temporary insanity for ordering a 7oz steak and baked sweet potato with butter and cinnamon? I dunno, but I DID count the points for it. That in itself is a small miracle. It's been awhile since I had some good red meat.

Vitamin C, Music, and Muffins

There is a wonderful product found at health stores called "Emer'gen-C". It's a fizzy packet of vitamin C and other vitamins and minerals that you add to water. I've been downing 3 of these in a large glass of water today and yesterday. It's probably why I've been feeling as good as I have been, I just get impatient and want to be all better... NOW! hehe

Music is a wonderful drug. It can lift spirits, energize, relax, and lull me to sleep. I've discovered two blog sites that I will keep going back to. They are Anonymous Fat Woman http://www.afw.typepad.com/ and Kallipugos http://kallipugos.blogspot.com/ . I found the latter when I was googling for a muffin recipe that I use with my weight watchers. AFW I found from Kerri's site. The point of telling you all this, is that AFW has run a 5k recently, and I was reading about her ipod list.

Now, I've been walking to school with my 80's mix. I enjoy it, but I decided to make a "grrl power" list as well. This is what I came up with:

• Perfect Day- Hoku
• Watch Me Shine -Joanna Pacitti
• One Girl Revolution- Superchic(k)
• I Am The Body Beautiful- Salt-N-Pepa
• Finally- Ce Ce Peniston
• I Will Survive (1993 Phil Kelsey Classic 12" Mix)- Gloria Gaynor
• Shake Your Groove Thing (Original 12" Mix)- Peaches & Herb
• I Love The Nightlife (Real Rapino 7" Mix)- Alicia Bridges
• Who Taught You How- Crystal Waters
• Turn It Out- Labelle
• She's A Lady- Tom Jones
• Get Ur Freak On- Missy Elliott
• Lose Control (Featuring Ciara & Fat Man Scoop)- Missy Elliott
• 1, 2 Step- Ciara Feat. Missy Elliott
• Pon de Replay (Radio Edit)- Rihanna
• Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani
• A Different Kind Of Love Song (Rodney Jerkins Main Mix)- Cher
• Pump It- Black Eyed Peas
• My Humps- Black Eyed Peas
• They Dont Want Music- Black Eyed Peas
• Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves- Eurythmics
• Love Shack- The B-52's
• Tubthumping- Chumbawamba
• Dragostea Din Tei- O-Zone (O-Zone is a Romanian group, and this is a really catchy tune)
• Go West (Original 12" Mix)- The Village People
• Learning to Fly- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
• Dreams- The Cranberries
• Stitched Up- Herbie Hancock Feat. John Mayer

I baked a lot today. I made a batch of the banana bran muffins (2 pts each). Recipe is: a box of Krusteaz fat free banana bread mix, 3 cups of All-Bran, 2 1/2 cups water, 1 banana, handful of craisins, smidge of orange extract. It's about 2 points a muffin. I follow the baking directions on the box. I also made brownie bran muffins, which doesn't sound great I know hehe, and doesn't look pretty. But the recipe for that is box of Krusteaz fat free brownie mix, same bran as above, and a smidge of peppermint extract. It helps my chocolate cravings. When I make these batches, I put half in the freezer, cause you do NOT want to eat more than 2 a day really :P They'll keep ya very regular, that's for sure. I like em cause it feels like cheating to have a delicious baked good in the morning with coffee, or as a snack before I go to bed. At 2 points though, it helps me stay on my Weightwatchers plan.

Speaking of which... I gained .5 a pound again this week. I'm tired of taking 2 steps forward, and one step back. I know I know, I have only myself to blame. I didn't write down all my points, so I'm back to writing the points if I stick it in my mouth. The quirky absurd sense of humor that I have, immediately jumps to the T-shirt I saw once, that read "Fat girls give better head 'cause we're always hungry" Yeah mmm. That would be 0 points right there... hmm I don't think I'd write it down though, haha.

Mr. Wolf

The biggest drawback to teaching kindergarten, is the effect it has on my immune system. It seems like I've no sooner gotten over one cold, then I catch another.

So this weekend I'm snuggled in my jammies on the couch, keeping warm. A box of tissues is at my side, as is a big jug of water. I can breathe thanks to my decongestant.

After reading my entry about my ruminations at CVS, a friend wrote to ask me "What about Mr. Wolf?" Good question.

Mr. Wolf has been a friend of mine for a long time. I'm not able to fully describe the way I love him, suffice to say that he and I are truly kindred spirits. His humor, his heart, his outlook on life, and his playfulness all affect me deeply. When I'm down, I call him. He lifts me up and reminds me about myself, about all my good qualities. Distance being what it is, phone calls are usually the closest thing we have to being there for each other.

I don't know what life will bring me, whether one day we'll close the distance between us. I do know that he will always be in my heart the way few men have been before.

Why do I write this? He wrote me a letter today that touched my heart. The man can write, no doubt about it. This was the first paragaph:

Words cannot express, the love I feel for you sweet-heart. Poets and writers have strived to put into words the emotion and memory associated with immutable moments in their past which have remained milestones of their lives. An overcast day with the smell of fresh cut grass, a summer's breeze while the warm sunlight casts a radiant glow on your face. These moments linger in our minds and we yearn to express them to others as words and phrases, ever lacking the vocabulary to tell them just how we feel. That is what your love is to me, a warm ray of sunlight with the hint of a fragrant breeze on the wind.

I do not know what I've done to deserve such a one as he in my life, but I am ever thankful.

'Till Tuesday

Sunday night I watched Extreme Home Makeover. Seeing that family with all the differently-abled kids made me realize... I don't have a damn thing to worry about. Not a thing. Kinda snapped me out of my pity party and made me realize how lucky I am.

Update: Trese is ok. Her cardiologist appointment went well, and the doc said the chest pains were from stress, not from anything being wrong with her heart. *whew*

Yesterday I reached a goal for myself. I walked to school and back! It's about 30-35 min each way, so I figure that's a lil over a mile for me. I felt really good all day yesterday, and I'm going to try and reach that goal again today and tomorrow. Thursday I have a math conference to go to, so that option is out. Yay me!

Ruminations at CVS

I got to CVS this morning about 7:50, thinking I was way too early. I went back to the pharmacy to get my number for a flu shot, and lo and behold I was number 4! Three people had been there earlier than I was. I went to shop for awhile since I had lots of time. Then I sat down to journal some of the things that had been swirling round my head.

I spoke with Mr. Movie on the phone last night. He'd read my email, and said it'd made him sad. He said I did deserve someone special in my life.

Why do I feel such a need to have someone? Do I feel unlikeable unless someone first likes me? No.. I genuinely like the person that I am. I'm creative, witty, funny, sexy, intelligent, and cute. Is it just the lack of companionship? Possibly. Do I feel like I need to prove something to myself, or others? That somewhere in my mind, the fact of my ex-husband leaving me for someone else is a social stigma on me? Will "having" someone prove to me that there's nothing wrong with me? Or is it to prove it to others?

Why is it so hard for me to get over this? At the core of my being, I'm a giver. It's in my nature, it's what makes me a good teacher. I know in the last days of my marriage I wasn't giving. I was resentful, needing to feel loved and cared for by my husband. I wasn't getting that from him. I had started at my new school, took a night class for certification, in addition to water aerobics to try and work out stress and weight issues.

I acknowledge that I wasn't the best. I'd stopped cooking for him. He didn't want to eat my weightwatchers meals. I stopped making coffee for him in the mornings 'cause it was never the way he wanted it made. The man is a coffee snob. He spent $168.oo on a coffee grinder. He had to have filtered water, and the coffee beans had to be kept in the freezer. And of course the grinder had to be cleaned out after use. Heaven forbid I use tap water without filtering it first, or leave coffee dust in his grinder.

He'd ask me if we could spend money on expensive items: a new digital camera (when we had one) a full length leather trench coat ala Matrix or Van Helsing (he already had a leather bomber jacket). Then there were always computer upgrades, newer bigger TVs etc. I preferred that if we spent money on something like that, that we also put an equal amount in our savings for a house. I wanted to buy a home, have a family, be a teacher in my community and live there till a ripe old age.

But did he want that too? Or did he want to live forever like he was 27 (he's 38) and stay up late every night "raiding" in an online game and drinking? I wanted a responsible husband who didn't shirk going to work on time because he'd stayed up too late playing a computer game. Later I found out, of course, that the woman he left me for was one of our "friends" from the game. Would I have eventually come to the same decision that he did, to end the marriage?

It burned me that he didn't want to work on it, didn't want to go to counseling, wouldn't even talk to me other than to say "I want to start over."

I've been divorced over a year now, living alone almost 2 years. "Get over it," my head says. How long will this one event in my life shape so many thoughts? I'd been with him for 11 years, and I know I can't heal overnight.

I just want to know I'm on the right path. That I'm normal.

Flu Shot Blues

What the heck is up with flu shots these days? My local Publix had listed flu shots from 3-7 yesterday afternoon. I had a staff meeting to go to right after work, so I didn't get to the store till 4:15. Should be ok, right? Wrong.

I asked a lady where to get in line (there was a long line) and she replied, "We're not taking any new people. If you don't have a number already then we're closed. We took the first 80 people." This is when I notice people in line have a nametag but instead of a name it has a number.

What the heck is the use of saying "Flu shots 3-7" if they're closed at 4:15? Why not say "Flu shots 3-7pm, or 80 people, whichever comes first." I left disgusted, since I'd missed other dates. As I was leaving a gray haired old lady told me to go to findaflushot.com to locate other locations besides publix in my area that offered the shots.

So now I have a date with a CVS. Saturday morning, 10-2pm. But you can bet your bippy I'll be there at 8am with bells on.... waiting.

Extreme Makeover, Classroom Edition

After many days of bemoaning the state of clutter in my classroom to my coworkers... they, as promised, came to help. Well, not just help. As Trese put it: "I don't want to hear a word". I didn't say a thing. In fact, after I saw the dolly she brought down for moving furniture, I made myself scarce for the first half hour. I hid in the cafeteria doing car rider duty.

I guess I should explain to those of you who don't know me. I teach kindergarten. I inherited my room this year from an angel of a lady who taught at my school for 24 years. Most of them in that same small room. She cleaned out and sorted through a lot of her junk... really she did. I saw the bags upon bags of trash that got carted off at the end of school last year. However, she also left things for me, "in case" I wanted it.

While I did toss out the teacher manuals from 1976, and some very old, faded, hand-drawn room decorations, and gave away three boxes of books gradually to my students and the kindergartners next door, I still have a lot of junk.

Part of it is furniture. Bookcases, block/toy cases, tables, and so on. The special ed teacher (our classes are inclusion this year) also has her desk and computer and files in our room as well. We just got a new loft (YAY) for the kids to read in, and this created some groovy extra room. I also tend to be a packrat, though not to the extreme that the room's former occupant was.

So Trese said, "I got your back." Sure enough, she, Ashley, and Kevin all came to help. While I made myself scarce... afraid I would say something or object to a change, they moved desks and filing cabinet etc etc into the hall. Trese is a miracle worker. When I came in, there was more space, more floor, I could even see the top of my desk! I was in shock at all the junk piled onto tables still, but just asked her to put me to work. She did so, and we were finally done about 5pm.

Lots of feelings shifting 'round my frame. Gratitude that someone took charge to help in a situation that overwhelmed me. Shame that I'd been incapable of doing everything she had done. Amazement at the changes. Consternation that there'd be no way things would get back in order in time for us to have school tomorrow. I seriously owe her some breakfast... hmm... country ham and biscuits maybe.

We'll see. Trese has been having chest pains. She's already survived cancer, but hearing of heart problems sends chills down my spine. She meets with her cardiologist tomorrow.

First Post!

First post! muahaha


but seriously...let's see if I actually use this thing, perhaps like an online journal >:D